I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I had a terrible dream a few nights ago.

In it, again, you had come back to life. But I was still constantly worried about you.

One morning, I heard you waking up and very quickly leaving the house with the dogs as you usually do first thing in the morning. You didn’t come to my room to greet me “Good Morning”. I rushed out of the house after you and called out. I thought you were standing near the elevators, but you didn’t respond. When I actually walked out to the elevators, you had already left. I still remember looking around the floor to see if you were there, but you were not.

I came back into the house telling myself you must be alright since you’re with the dogs. For some reason, I went into your room and I saw that your furniture was completely rearranged. Things on your desk were on the floor. And your desk was moved towards the aircon unit. In my mind, for some bizarre reason, I looked at this and thought you had made an attempt to take your life again.

What followed was probably a panic attack in the dream itself. I was terrified that you had gone out of the house and were going to do something. I could hardly breathe. And I prayed fervently, “I can’t do this again. Please, please”.

Waking up from the dream was not sudden and abrupt. It was weirdly very slow and gradual. When I finally properly woke up, I was relieved. Of course, there was a part that was sad you were no longer here. But I was abundantly relieved that it was not happening again. Many may probably say I haven’t processed the trauma of what actually happened. Who can actually interpret dreams though right?

There’s a part of me that’s guilty that I was more relieved than sad. And then the guilt keeps eating away at me as well.

A mother wrote in a post in TCF recently. Her son has been gone for 18 months. She writes, “We’ve gone through enough sadness. Please come back now”.

If only.

Love Mum