I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

It has been 20 months since we saw you, since we heard your voice, since I got a text message from you. It is so hard to believe, and even harder to accept.

In the last few weeks I have been intermittently questioning a lot of things about life. I don’t know what triggered this. I recall reading a post on Facebook from a mother who had lost her 30 hour old infant. 30 hours. In the post, she is grateful for the memories. Memories from just 30 hours.

Reading that, I thought I should be even more grateful. After all, we had 20 years of memories. And then I thought, does it mean it’s harder when someone loses an 80 year old? Do more memories make it harder to lose someone? And then I thought of all the parents who’ve lost their children through miscarriage. They didn’t get to have any memories at all. What’s harder?

Grief doesn’t pick and choose its clients. It just chooses its timing. Eventually, husbands will lose their wives. Wives will lose their husbands. Whether it’s through death or separation. Siblings will lose each other. Most children will eventually lose their parents. A few parents will lose their children. A grandparent, a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend, a colleague. All will eventually be lost.

My conclusion? Life sucks. It just sums it up. What are we all doing? Working day and night chasing money that will never be enough. Getting disappointed by loved ones time and again. Sicknesses. Tragedies. All to know that grief is approaching all of us. Whether it’s our own mortality or our loved ones.

“Gosh Mum. So morbid”, I can hear you say.

I guess the more I think of it, I am envious of you. To have been able to depart this world before a lot more sadness came your way. The optimists will say…oh, but there is so much happiness in this life too. Does it really negate the sadness? I don’t know. I don’t think so.

You must have thought of all this? Time and time again? And perhaps a thousand fold more.

Every single day just feels like I’m getting time to pass packing in as much as possible to distract myself. What a way to live. This morning, when I was feeling even more jaded than usual, and the tears started to fall as I was halfway to work, I looked at the car in front of me. The number was 7779J. I know you were trying to be with me. Strangely, the car led me all the way to work. Right up to the doorstep. So it definitely must be you. Helping me to get through this life.

Love Mum