I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I hope you don’t still have “boyfriend memory” and forgot what I previously wrote about. I have a feeling you do and did forget though. Let me give you a quick recap. I wrote about a line, “things didn’t happen the way you wanted it to because you would have hated if it did,” and thought it was stupid. You’re all caught up now.

The previous post was the first half of my thoughts. The second half came after I had more time to think about it. I did say it was stuck in my mind for a while. The quote’s persistence in my memory gave me time to really think about things. If, only if, the quote was applicable to grief, what would I have hated about our future life?

I started questioning a lot of things about myself. I started doubting what I’ve always wanted. Would I have hated getting married? What if I didn’t like being a mum and having children? What if I hated becoming a psychologist or working with my husband (you)? So many “what ifs” with no way of finding out the answer because none of these things will happen. A seemingly stupid quote ended up sowing a lot of doubts in my mind. Maybe I’m the stupid one for letting it tangle my thoughts like that, but I think of these thoughts as a form of reflection.

I never told you this, but when we were dating, I was always worried that you’d pass by suicide after the birth of our first child, if we had managed to get there. This thought came shortly after you told me you had thoughts of ending your life. Of course, you never explicitly said you were going to k*** yourself when you were not consumed by BPD. I always thought it was the BPD talking, and that you’d be able to fight it and survive like you’ve always fought. The “passing after the birth of our first child” thought only occurred to me after I did some thinking. I thought like that because by then – after marriage, stable careers, and finally a kid – you would have accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish in life, and there would be nothing left for you to live for. Anyone without a mental illness can say, “Arguably, there’s more to live for now!” But that’s just not how a struggling mind works. If that had happened, then yes, I would have hated it. I would have felt angry at you for leaving me and our child. I would have been angry for our child, losing their dad so young before getting to form solid memories with him. I would have been angry then I wouldn’t have. Because, like how I felt about this quote, I would have thought about it and realized that it was not something you could have controlled. But I would have hated that situation.

I kept thinking about how our life might have looked like with BPD. I might not have been able to travel with my family or friends ever again because I couldn’t leave you, not after what almost happened when I was in Japan. I might have had to be on suicide watch 24/7, constantly worried that something might happen while I’m asleep, or when I’m at work, or any minute I’m not consciously with you. If you were aggressive with or around me, if you had hurt yourself or others in my presence, I might have struggled to tell your family. We’d be stuck in a hopeless, terrible, sad situation where we’d want to help but don’t know how. I might have felt resentful, tired, sad. You would know, because I wouldn’t be able to hide stuff from you, and you’d feel resentful, tired, and sad. Is that what the quote meant when it said we would have hated it? Maybe we would have. Hate might not have been the right word, and we might have hated it per se, but it would have been a tough struggle for everyone. But it wouldn’t have been because of you. Everything I’m describing as likely to happen is a result of BPD. Even then, even when we know it’s not you, how do we get out of it?

I’m not saying what happened was a good thing and I will never say or think that. What happened was horrible and we all wish you were here with us. But I have to be realistic and admit that you were exhausted by life with BPD and you were not as happy as you could have been without it. That’s the awful truth. So, would we have hated it if life “worked out” for us the way we “wanted” it to? Maybe. Or maybe not. Because we will never get to find out, I’d like to think we would have loved it.

Can’t wait to see you again. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and I’ll miss you more than you can imagine.

Love always,
Sha