Dear Josh,
Do you know when your difficulties first started, we had no idea how to manage them and what we should be doing? I would constantly ask Dr A and your various therapists along the way, “tell me what to do”. I guess it was the type of family we came from. Always looking for scientific or mathematical solutions, and totally out of depth with this.
One of the things Dr A would ask us frequently when asking for advice was, “who is going to blink first?”. It was something I didn’t quite understand at first. As the years went by, I understood it better.
To give you an example, in your younger years it would usually be a retaliation or some kind of a demand. “If you don’t do xxx, I won’t eat”. This was a particularly difficult few weeks for us- again another trait of our family that focuses so much on food. We waited and waited, but you were so headstrong. It was so hard to not give in to you.
As time went along, I know I blinked first many times. It was easier to give in to you especially when the repercussions were sometimes so intense. Sometimes it was you who blinked first, especially when you got older, and you understood some of the things you were asking for.
At the end, it was I who blinked. I blinked thinking you were ok. And then you were gone. It literally feels like this. Like I closed my eyes to what was happening for just a few minutes. And you took your leave.
I wish we had more advice on how to deal with you. Dr A and M were so, so good to you, and to us. You were truly blessed to have the best available. But it was not enough to save you.
I struggle to hear about stories of youths especially, with mental health problems. I must say I felt like I was drowning on many occasions, just not knowing how to help you, and not wanting to share the worry with anyone else. Maybe you knew all of this.
A few days ago, I looked online for the latest therapies for BPD. I was anxious looking at it, more worried that there would be something, and we were too late. But there was nothing new I could find. I guess we must take solace that everything that could have been done, was indeed done.
Love Mum
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