I Swear You Will Be Fine

I didn’t keep the last public message I posted on insta after you left. Sha said it was a good one, but I did not think about keeping it because it would be hard to be reminded of our goodbyes every now and then. At the heart of my last message to you, I imagined if my reality would’ve been better if I kept to my own. Why did I notice that you were sitting alone when I thought you were one of the cool kids and a popular one too? But I did it anyway and it felt like we knew each other for a long time. Suddenly, all of our jokes were the “in” jokes – either you got it or you didn’t. Our banters and lame-ass puns were both stupid and deep, and endlessly hilarious. You can be edgy but never mean, bitchy but never cruel. Maybe that’s why our friendship was so easy once the floodgates opened.

You were always quietly considerate of others around you – in retrospect, maybe just a bit too much. Some days, like today, when I missed your presence more than usual, I had to replay your songs (thank you again, Sha) and listen to one of the tracks with your singing and an unsuspecting burp. (There was another with you proclaiming one of your favorite catchphrases starting with “I’m not..” and iykyk) All of these moments now frozen in time are going to stay with me for as long as I live. I found in you a brother, a friend, a classmate and someone i love and respect.

All of which should not have made any sense. We barely saw each other outside of school, we don’t chat online about much at all – in all honesty, what was in it for you or me? Who would’ve guessed that you or I would find another human being that we did not dislike as much? How could I have anticipated the days that followed the phone call after midnight? Why should I feel sad, anxious and lost now that you’re gone? Why did it have to be you?

None of it made sense, until it did. One of my favorite phrases is “lightning in a bottle” and I’m reminded of how our friendship is exactly that.

“Lynnda”