I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

The last week has been extra hard. I’m not sure why. Despite being away from home on holiday for a few days. Perhaps it was because I got a little sick. I realise that anything that was remotely uncomfortable before is now a lot more uncomfortable. It is also always hard coming back home. While I was thinking more about you while heading to the airport in Bangkok, and also asking you for a sign, within minutes, the sky turned a beautiful lavender/orange/pink. And it seemed to be moving with us as we were travelling, almost right up to the airport. Then, when I was in the plane, I was super tired and was asleep most of the flight. At one point, I thought of you and heard your voice saying, “look out the window Mum”. I said back to you, “I’m tired”. But I eventually opened my eyes and looked out. And there, directly in my line of vision, I saw the flashing lights between the clouds. Lightning, far away, but somehow within my vision.

I am reading a book called “All the Bright Places” by Jennifer Niven. I haven’t quite finished it yet, but it is addictive. The main character in the book frequently has suicidal thoughts. There’s a lot to ponder on thinking of his thought processes.

The most recent chapter talks about a “support group” for youths with suicidal thoughts. It is called “Life is Life”. It functions somewhat like an AA group, where attendees sit in a circle and introduce themselves. They say their names (usually fake), speak about their suicidal attempts (if any) and they end their introduction with “___ is Life”. The blank being whatever is keeping them alive right now. Like “Baseball is Life”. Or “Family is Life”. Or some TV show or song or movie. Quite interesting I thought.

I talked about it with Shalini. We were wondering if such a group actually exists anywhere? Would it be helpful to have such a group? I would think so. Why must those with suicidal thoughts be alone? Surely it would help to know there are others who go through this too? We were even wondering if it is something we can do here. The problems, we realised, were many. There would be high liabilities. And what if the support came from each other actually encouraging suicide? Not so easy to implement, but oh, how helpful it could potentially be.

I then thought about how you would introduce yourself if you attended a hypothetical “Life is Life”.

Not in order of importance.

WWE is Life

Knight is Life

Cadbury is Life

Music is Life

Sha is Life

My Family is Life

My relationship with my friends is Life

My psychology course is Life

My gym training is Life

My artwork is Life

My Nintendo is Life

My signed autograph collection is Life

I could go on and on. We should have had this conversation. But deep down, I don’t know if it would have changed anything. I just wish you were not alone in your thoughts and there was someone who could have related to you.

Well, if this is what we are meant to do, I hope you will show us the path Josh, so it becomes a reality.

Thank you for the lovely lavender sky and the flashing lights in the sky.

Love Mum