I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Apologies for the late letter. My mum wanted to sing karaoke so that’s what I was up to till now. It’s nearly 12:30am and I just got home, but it was nice to have something to do. I needed the relaxation after spending the whole morning and afternoon doing schoolwork. Karaoke is something we wanted to do actually. I suggested it and it was on our list of date ideas along with an Ikea date and roller skating. I wish we got the time to do everything we wanted to do. I think even then it wouldn’t have been enough.

I was thinking about the book your mum recently wrote about – All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven – and it was also a book I read several years ago. I’m always afraid to tell people about the books I’ve read because I’m scared of sounding like a nerd or a know-it-all. I remember there was once your mum was telling us about a movie she was going to watch – It Ends with Us – and I excitedly said that I had read the book and its sequel. Then, in the same conversation, she mentioned The Handmaid’s Tale and I had to resist the urge to say I had also read that – just because I’d already said that line a few minutes ago. After your mum left us, I whispered to you that I had also read The Handmaid’s Tale but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to sound arrogant. You thought this was funny. I still am afraid of sounding arrogant, but it genuinely gets me excited when I know that people have read or know the books I’ve read. I got asked a question once in an interview “What’s your favorite book?” And I almost squealed. If I recall correctly, I did get quite excited and, in a sing-song voice said that I loved this question before actually answering it. I also named several books based on different genres. I read the room before doing this and the interviewers found my reaction kind of funny so I felt that it was alright to be excited. I ended up passing the interview then so it all worked out. Not that I would have downplayed my excitement to please them anyway.

My current genre leans towards mental health, psychological thrillers, crime, classics, American literature, and any non-fiction that sparks my curiosity. Before you passed, I read romance books too. In fact, when I was younger, romance was my favorite genre. I’m just a sap who loves love. I especially enjoyed sad books. Okay, not enjoyed as if I was borderline psychotic, but I really “enjoyed” reading them. 99% of the time, I’d cry at the end of the book. Like, actual, proper, flowing tears because a character died or the couple didn’t end up together. To cushion the impact, I used to Google the endings of books. If it didn’t end well, I’d try not to get too emotionally attached to the characters. I can’t read those books now. Obviously, it would be too triggering to read now if I happen to come across a character passing on, but I also feel like I’ve experience the best love there is with you.

One of my all-time favorites but also one of the saddest books I’ve ever read was You’ve Reached Sam by Dustin Thao. I know you won’t read it so I’ll spoil it for you. The boy dies in a car accident. The girl finds that he is able to call her on her phone and they get to talk to each other. Slowly, she realizes that as long as he is able to call her, she cannot receive messages or calls from anyone else on Earth. She’s also not able to use her phone to call others. Also, she can’t miss his call or he won’t be able to reach her again. If I recall right, she’s also not able to call him, so she has to pick up his call no matter what. As you can imagine, she drops her reality to live like that with him – living for his calls from another realm. Eventually, he tells her that she can’t live like this and that she has to let him go. He tells her to not pick up. To let the phone ring for the last time and not pick up. Well, here’s where 20-year-old me started crying. I refused to accept that she had to do that. Even back then I couldn’t accept it. Anyway, she listens to him and he is never able to call again. I guess the positive part of this is that there is another realm where he exists and she’ll eventually go there too. This book crushed me and if I was her, I’d not be able to do what she did. I absolutely do not have it in me to let you go, even if it might be the better thing for me. The minute after she lets his call ring, the notifications from all her friends and family start coming in and her life continues. I personally think she should have just bought another phone and kept calling him, but alright.

Another book that crushed me was If He Had Been with Me by Laura Nowlin. He dies in a car accident. “I’m seeing a pattern here,” you would say. This story was a slow burn and took a lot of patience out of me to keep reading. Boy and girl were childhood best friends. They grew apart as they got older but it was one of those “it has always been you” stories where they always loved each other. A day after they finally get together, he dies in a car accident. She then tries to end her life but fails. The sequel starts like that – with her trying to die but failing – and I stopped reading. I had no interest in a sad story where she has to live without him. I’m currently not very interested in my life too, where I have to live without you.

There were many other sad love stories I’ve read where one dies and the other is absolutely destroyed. I would probably have more empathy for the survivor now, but I really can’t bring myself to read books like that and relive it. In some ways, I think it’s because we deserve a book too. Our story beats some of those sad ones. Maybe some part of me is afraid of that – that I’d read something and think, “Really? You think that’s sad, wait till you hear about my love story.” But truthfully, I don’t think I should be thinking of us as a sad story. There’s so much more to focus on than the way it paused (not ended). Though, our love continues, so it’s not really pausing either.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever. Oh also, a friend of mine just bought a house with his partner. Happy for him, but that upset me too. How unfair.

Love always,
Sha