I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I guess I asked for this. I can hear you saying “why would you do this to yourself Mum?”.

So the book I was reading ended up being quite triggering. I mean, I kind of knew it was heading that way. Spoiler alert- the main character who is a teenage boy ends up dying by suicide. I’m not sure how I would have felt if there had been a happy ending. Part of me thinks that would have upset me too. Like why couldn’t that have happened to you. But it was a sad ending, and the trajectory was very similar to yours.

It had already been a few difficult days. So this kind of sent me spiralling. As I was driving home from work, I knew I was desperately going to look for some way to reconnect with you.

When I got home, the flame on the candle in front of your picture was dancing away. I guess it was your way of trying to comfort me. It was not enough, so I went into your room and opened your wardrobe, desperate to get a smell that would remind me of you. Unfortunately, even as I opened it, I could smell more mustiness than anything else. That alone upset me more. I tried to take out some of your favourite shirts. But nothing smelled of you. I finally took out your black and white shirt that you wore just 2 days before you passed. I had previously been so happy that it smelled so much of you and had secured it in a zip-lock bag. Very, very sadly, that too smelled musty. That totally sent me over the edge. The sadness and tears were overwhelming. I then looked for the t-shirt you had worn that night, again desperate to get your smell. But I couldn’t find it.

I then went to my room where all your perfumes and body sprays were and sprayed every single one of them. Somehow nothing felt particularly familiar. Defeated, I tried to pull myself together and got on with the evening.

Later that night, after Tun came home, we went back into your room and tried to look for something. I found your favourite navy blue linen shirt. It didn’t smell of you, but I got a little comfort wearing it for a minute. Eventually we found your t-shirt in the zip-lock bag. I cautiously took it out and smelled it. It still smelled of you! “Quickly put it back”, Tun said. And I did. But it was enough to comfort me.

Such a sad, sad state of affairs. I know eventually the t-shirt will also lose your scent. I dread that day. But I am telling myself that the Mahogany and Teakwood bodywash is still there.

We miss you a lot more these days. I don’t know if it’s because you are around us? Or is it because you are not? Perhaps you are with Jess in Hanoi. I hope you are.

I have also committed to Shalini that I will pivot my genre of reading more to hers. You will be happy about that.

Love Mum