I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

There are some perks to being a griever. Yes, you read that right – perks. I mean, some good has to come out of this awful situation, right? Now, don’t get me wrong, this situation completely sucks and I would rewind time and change everything if I could. There is nothing that could make your absence “good” per se, but here’s a list of things I’ve realized are some “good” that have come out of being a griever. But again, these are my “good” things. They might not apply to everyone and most will argue that these things can come about without being a griever and I agree. These are just some changes that I’ve noticed in myself ever since I’ve joined this process of grieving.

1. I no longer compare myself to others – in real life or on social media. I am a relatively confident person – I know what I’m good at, I know what I’m not good at, and I’m always keen on improving myself. But I was also a victim of social comparison, like many others. I would search up peers on social media and compare appearances, educational level, jobs, etc. It’s human nature, but this behavior always left me upset (as expected). Even on the streets I’d look at other girls and wish I was prettier or dressed better. After you passed, I unfollowed and removed a lot of people on social media. I made sure that everyone I kept on social media were people who were comfortable with and kind about how much I’d post about my grief. I found myself no longer looking at others in envy. When I think of others now, I just hope they are happy and fulfilled in life. I’ve already lost. No matter how good I am from now – at school or the way I look… I’ve lost. Everyone else I could ever compare to has a partner who’s alive (not blaming you at all). I can never win and I don’t care anymore. It’s freeing in a way.
   
2. I no longer have trouble saying “no”. I used to be a people-pleaser up until a few years ago. I just felt too bad to say “no” to people. I was always swimming across oceans for people who wouldn’t jump over puddles for me. Earlier I said “up until a few years ago”. That’s because from a few years ago till before grief, I would say “no, thank you” and come up with an excuse. Now, I have no problems saying “no, thank you” without coming up with an excuse. If I don’t feel like doing something, I reject it kindly. If someone makes me or the people around me uncomfortable or is a mean person, I reject it. I can say what I want whenever I want (with as much kindness as the other person exudes). Again, a freeing way to live.
   
3. People are kinder. This one is a big perk, I can’t lie. Before I met you, I would always be upset on my birthday because it was the only day in the year that everyone would be kind to me. I’m not even kidding, I had a person tell me to cherish my birthday because they were going to continue being mean to me again the next day. Now, people are kind all the time. I know it shouldn’t take grief for people to be kind, but it is what it is. I think you’ve also blessed me with a lot of kind people.
   
4. I think about death a lot more. I’ve never considered it as much as I consider it now. It makes me sad, so I try not to think about it, but it also helps me cherish the people and pets around me. I now know that everyone can die at any time, and I’ll never truely be ready for it, so I take more pictures and videos. I sit with my bunnies for longer. I indulge your dogs more. I take time to do things I wouldn’t usually do because there’s this nagging thought that they might not be around here for long and so I have to cherish them. Death teaches me to love. How cruelly beautiful that leaving becomes the very thing that teaches me how to keep.
   
5. There’s freedom. Because the worst thing that could possibly happen has happened, there’s this freedom I feel where I don’t have to think too much about things that could make me sad. I might lose friendships – sad, but sure. I might not get something I really want – sad, but sure. What else could happen that could be worse than this? It’s freeing – like my previous points have noted – to know that you can no longer lose because you have lost.

Grief really changes my perspective. I think a lot more about things I actually don’t want to think about. Sometimes it feels like I’m losing my mind, sometimes it feels like I’m getting it back. Still, I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha