I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

There’s a children’s book titled, “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” by Judith Viorst. Surprise, surprise: it’s about a little boy named Alexander having a terrible day. Alexander opens the book by describing his terrible morning and ends the opening page with, “I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.” Tell Alexander to step aside, because my day is about to beat his.

This morning started out regular, but that already means it was bad. I woke up wishing I could go back to sleep. I hate feeling that way – wanting to be asleep instead of awake. I got out of bed looking forward to sleeping again so I wouldn’t have to be awake. Terrible.

I went for breakfast with my mum and ordered a sugar-free drink (yes, I’m still sugar-free; why do I do this to myself) and it sucked. It was some oat cereal milk thing and I hated the feeling of the oat cereal in my mouth. It was like pulp in orange juice – a mix of textures – which I strongly dislike. Like, am I supposed to chew it or just swallow it? I know I should have ordered something else, but it was one of the more appealing sugar-free options. Anyway, that was no good.

In the afternoon, I decided to work on my questionnaire for my study… and found that I had to do this very tedious process just because I have to input pictures in my questionnaire. It wasn’t difficult, just tiresome and I was annoyed. Then, I decided to check on my ethics application for this same study. Guess what? The ethics board came back with clarifications again! When the first round of clarifications came, I wasn’t bumped out because I knew they would have questions. After all, I was examining intelligence and academic burnout – two constructs that would usually be flagged as high-risk. But this time, the list of clarifications annoyed me. The board came back saying they were concerned about whether I could hit the targeted number of participants. Excuse me, if you approved of my study earlier, I’d be able to collect data and recruit participants sooner and hit my target! It’s because of the lack of time that I might not be able to recruit sufficient participants?! Then, a few of the clarifications expressed concern that I might end up coercing my family and friends to participate. The recruitment method I specified is an approved and common method, especially for students. I almost screamed. COERCION? That “accusation “is wrong on so many levels that I won’t elaborate on, but even my supervisor was upset for me. Anyway, that made my afternoon horrible.

I don’t know if it was the bad week I had (grief-wise) or a mix of everything, but I just sat on my bed and cried. I think it was all of the above. It was missing you, the ethics board, the yucky drink, the loneliness, everything just made me want to cry – so I did. Then I decided that I didn’t want to be awake anymore and took a nap. You know it’s very bad when I have to take naps in hopes time will pass faster.

My evening was made better by having dinner at your grandparents’ place. But after I got back home, it was upsetting again. I had to drive to my brother’s school (an hour journey to and fro) to pick him up. On the way there, I beat the red light. It happened kind of suddenly but not really. I had turned onto the junction and the light was green but I was going at a steady pace. A few meters before the stop line, I saw the light change to amber and I slowed for a beat before speeding up again. It was almost like you could see the gears turning in my head – if I could make it or not. Right as my front wheels passed the stop line, the light turned red before my back wheels passed. I’m not entirely sure if that constitutes beating the light, but I’m pretty sure the penalty for beating the light is not light (ha ha, joke here). Anyway, I silently panicked and was really disappointed in myself. I’m quite a rule-follower and this blunder was entirely my fault. I could have stopped, a sudden brake it would have been, but I could have stopped. Now I’m just hoping there were no cameras along that road. When I got to my brother’s school, he made us wait 50 minutes in the car because he was still tied up with his activities. I only got home at 11:20pm. This isn’t anything new. He makes us wait all the time. But still, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Hoping the next week or so is a little better than this one. I also hope you’re having a better week than I am. I bet you are. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha