I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’m in the most random place on earth – the Cook Islands. You and I both know this is far out of my comfort zone. Every time I see a lizard or have to swat a fly, I think you’re laughing at me. I miss skyscrapers and cars going at more than 50km/h and rude Londoners.

But I don’t know if you forced me to come here and slow down. Because I was suddenly just stuck with my thoughts. Everything here moves so slowly. It’s all beautiful. Everything looks like a postcard or Lilo And Stitch movie, and I think because of that, the concept of ‘Island Time’ exists. Deadlines are optional. Time at the beach isn’t.

I really, really didn’t like it. I like to bury my grief in a fast-paced life that eventually exhausts me, but the first few days, I was forced to slow down. And for the first time in 6 years, I didn’t have any work due. So I had to sit with the fact that it’s been so, so long since I’ve seen you. You feel so far away. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in somewhere so foreign and new to me, but you just feel so physically far. And then I remembered that even when I return home, I won’t get to see you.

Being this sad has made me a person I can’t stand. I was in one of the most beautiful places on earth with my best friends on a trip that Mum gladly paid for, and all I wanted to do was be at home, wrapped up in bed. It just felt like everything was taking so much out of me, and the truth is, I’m doing nothing. It drives me nuts. I was so much more capable. I hate the person I’ve become.

I gave you so much shit for this. I can think of countless examples where things seemed so hard for you, and I could never understand why. I get it now. I will never get it to the same extent, but there are now days when, like Shalini, I can only get through them by wanting everything to end. But again, being truly suicidal is such a horrid and unique burden that was for some reason yours to endure. I wish we could have taken it from you, but now more than ever, I think I can recognise that it’s different. Because, as hard as things can feel, there’s still no real urge. I take a melatonin and watch TikTok until my eyes get heavy and I wake up feeling better. How could we ask you to do that when what you were going through was so, so much worse?

Did you hate being fragile too? I get it. It doesn’t work with our narcissism, does it? I do think I’m seeing enough fish for the both of us. I can’t help but think that you’re with me when I’m in the sea. Right there next to me, wondering if that fish actually has teeth. Or maybe rolling your eyes at me while I wonder if the fish has teeth. But I think you’re pleased. I’m counting off most of the Finding Nemo characters. Fish are your thing, but it makes me feel closer to you when I steal something from you. So the fondness for fish thing may be one of them.

I realised I would never hear someone call me Acca again today. It was like I lost you all over again. After you passed, I wished Mum had had more children so I wouldn’t be by myself when you passed. But I think it’s how it’s meant to be. It’s all the more special that you were the only person with the right to call me Acca.

Can’t wait to hear ‘Acca’ again.

Love,
Jess