I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Life is changing so much and although I still feel close to you, there are some days that make me feel like it was universes ago that we were together. Some days I try not to think about our memories because I’m worried I won’t be able to remember everything or that if I think about a specific one too much I’ll end up forgetting the others. I know this doesn’t make much sense because I should keep thinking about them to jog my memory and keep them alive, but it’s a bit difficult to do that (emotionally). I also worry that too much of life is changing and I’ll feel further from you because I’ll end up having more experiences you weren’t a part of (which I can’t help). I’ve also been worried that I’ll lose myself in the midst of trying to keep you alive – that I will not be my own person because I’m too focused on being Joshua’s girlfriend.

Yesterday I was hanging out with your mum and grandma. I’m not sure if your mum will write about this so I’ll just briefly mention it and talk about my thoughts. The summary of the story is: your mum went to get her hair done and her hair stylist asked her who I was and subsequently, how old her son was. Your mum said I’m her son’s girlfriend, and that you’re 20 – both facts are correct, technically. I often have this dilemma – to say you’re 20 or 22 – because I will keep getting older and if I keep saying that you’re 20, the age difference becomes a little concerning. I’ve thought about it and come to the conclusion that if I’m going to confess that you’ve passed, I will say you’re 20. If I’m going to pretend you’re alive, I’ll say that you’re 22 (or whatever the age you are when the question is asked). To many, “how old is he?” is a normal question and very intuitive to answer, but to us, this becomes another struggle.

I’ve realized that at the next place I work or intern at, I can no longer pretend you’re alive. Your mum and I were talking and we realized that even though I’ve made connections with people who could be helpful for our projects, I am hesitant to approach them because they think you’re alive and it would make no sense to them for me to suddenly ask if they could help me with the foundation we’ve set up for you. If I keep “lying” about you, I won’t be able to make much use of my connections. I personally don’t mind meeting these people and telling them, “Actually… about my boyfriend…” but I think it doesn’t reflect well on me to have started the relationship with them with “lies”. If I were them, I would have understood that it was the work of grief, but I can’t expect them to understand just because I would have.

I have a fun story for you today. Last night, we noticed Cadbury limping during our walk and I got very concerned. I started babying him – massaging his joints, checking his paws, giving him extra love – in case he was not feeling good. But as I touched his entire “affected” limb, he had no reaction – which is weird because he would have whimpered if he was really in pain. As the night progressed, he started limping more and more and I was getting really upset because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. Your family was deciding if they should take him to the vet too. And then… I noticed that he was putting weight on the “affected” limb every time he thought we weren’t looking. The telltale sign that he was alright was when he ran off for dinner (with a slight limp; keeping up the act), finished dinner, and comfortably walked on ALL FOURS right before he saw me looking at him. The minute he saw me looking, this little dog lifted up his “affected” limb and looked up at me. I looked like a lunatic at that moment – pointing at the little dog and calling him a liar, trying to convince your family he’s acting. Your mum – being the sweet person she is – said dogs don’t know how to pretend. After I knew he was acting, it was my word against his and I was clearly losing this battle. Actually, after I got home, I reflected and got worried that I was acting like a villain, and that something was really wrong with Cadbury – “Accusing a dog for pretending to be hurt? That’s a new low, Sha.” I could hear you joke. Fast forward to today, your mum confirmed that he was indeed alright. Nothing was wrong with him. Hats off to Cadbury for acting so well. I honestly need to reward him for having such a bright mind! How could you say he’s not clever!

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha