I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

This is something I frequently thought about very early on. I imagined you at the gates of heaven. And I imagined you being asked, “which of your family do you think needs the most help?”.

I imagine your answer to be me. For many reasons. Firstly, you would have been most upset that I was the one who found you. And that I was alone when I did. Secondly, I’d like to think you worried most about me.

But thirdly, and this is perhaps the most important- I often wonder how I survived those first few minutes, hours, days, months. Even now, I often think I should be collapsing. But I haven’t. Not yet, anyway.

Many have said it’s because of all the prayers from others. Maybe. I’m sure it’s also because of all the surrounding love and support. But I still felt there was something bigger than that. And I felt it was something to do with you.

And then, just a few days ago, I read this article. It was from a mother who had lost her son. Surprise, surprise. I mean, that’s all I seem to be reading about nowadays. Anyway, in the article, she thanks her son. Well, actually she thanks her son’s spirit, for enveloping her when he died, keeping her strong with his unending love, and giving her what she needed to get by. That’s when I realised I was right about this all along. 

It was you. It still is you. You who made sure I kept it together. You who made sure I didn’t collapse. You touched our friends to stand close to us. It sometimes feels like a protective realm you somehow created. Something like what Magneto does from the X-men.

You are our guardian angel, in so many ways. I’m sorry I wasn’t yours.

Love Mum