I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’m currently reading a book about a 16-year-old girl who has been diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). It’s a fictional story, as much as I’m aware of, but it is an accurate portrayal of OCD and describes the girl’s obsessions, day-to-day struggles, and her journey in trying to hide the disorder from her friends. I am not done with the book yet and it is not as enjoyable as I hoped because it’s centered around a teenager’s life and I personally feel like I can’t relate, but it’s almost enlightening to read about her struggles and thoughts. She describes herself as more obsessive than compulsive. She has an obsession with the number three and has to do things in threes to avoid panic attacks – like rubbing the back of her neck three times, stopping the car at 3km/h (if it’s not three, she has to drive until she lands on a three), etc. She also talks about thoughts that just latch onto her mind – or rather, her mind latches onto these thoughts – and it sounds as though these thoughts are impossible to shake off. She doesn’t have suicidal ideations or tendencies (from what I’ve read thus far), but she talks about how emotionally draining it is to have these thoughts and wishes she was “normal” like peers her age. She doesn’t talk about her disorder with her friends and tries her best to hide symptoms or panic attacks in fear that they might ostracize her. Oh, and she uses writing poetry as an outlet.

Individuals with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) can experience intense and obsessive thoughts and behaviors, particularly regarding relationships and abandonment. Though this is quite different from the obsessive thoughts a person with OCD might have, I think some of your behaviours and thoughts (from what you’ve shared with me) are similar to what I’m reading in this book.

You had some obsessions and fixations that could have been seen as both good and bad. The good ones, in my opinion, are those that aren’t self-destructive and potentially beneficial – collecting autographs, Funkopops, and various objects of interest. I see these collections as hobbies and at worst case, a means of distracting yourself. At least to me, it shows that you’re trying your best to be here, to be in the best mental state you could be in. And I guess there are obsessive thoughts you had that weren’t good for you – thoughts that could have harmed you. I won’t elaborate on that, but those are thoughts I wish you had less of.

The girl in the book describes her panic attacks as well, and they reminded me of the ones you’d have sometimes. You’d get random attacks in the middle of class and the best thing I could do was to distract you. Most of the time it worked and you’d feel grateful that I helped, but bad that I had to. I always assured you that I was happy to help (I mean, I wish you didn’t get these attacks, but I did not at all mind helping you). When these attacks occurred for you, sometimes you could identify a trigger (like a topic the teacher was talking about) and other times you can’t. It was scarier for me when you couldn’t identify a trigger, because I wouldn’t know what to look out for either.

You also mentioned the emotional toll these thoughts and this disorder had on you. You were tired of fighting it and I don’t blame you. I’d be tired too if I were you. You also talked about wanting to be “normal”, wishing you didn’t have these struggles, and wondering why it had to be you. I wonder why it had to be you too.

You didn’t exactly hide it from any of your friends. I know your main gang of friends knew everything and some even saved your life on multiple occasions, but I think our Uni friends did not know as much. You didn’t hide it, but you didn’t broadcast it either. Actually, all you did was make jokes about having it. I remember an assignment once tasked us to diagnose a fictional or non-fictional person with a disorder. A friend of ours chose to diagnose Kylo Ren from “Star Wars” with BPD, and you made a joke about how she could ask you if she had any questions. You chose to diagnose Kendall Roy from the TV show “Succession” with BPD, and said you’d know all about it. So yes, not exactly telling our friends, but not exactly hiding it either. For the record, I was fully supportive of whatever decision you decided to make. If you had told them and they didn’t react kindly, I would have possibly verbally assaulted them to defend you (I know you’d approve). You’re a confident person and wouldn’t have cared if they were mean, so I don’t think you would have chosen to actively hide it from them – but even if you did want to hide it, I’d have backed you up too.

The girl in the book found poetry as an outlet for her thoughts and feelings. For you, I think it was both writing and playing music. You showed me some of the poems you wrote when you were younger and some of your journal entries as well. But your main outlet was the piano. You play beautifully and I recently read about music being an escape from the horrors of life for many, which made me think that you used music as an escape too. I don’t know why that thought didn’t occur to me until recently – that music was an outlet for you. I think I just assumed that it was something you enjoyed very much – which I don’t doubt either. I’m glad you had the talent to use music, and I’m glad we have your recordings to listen to.

There’s a side plot in the book where the girl meets this guy who has his own struggles. She contemplates telling him about her struggles with OCD as she feels safe with him. I didn’t intend to read any romance, but now that it’s in front of me, I’m absolutely invested and sincerely hope it works out well for them. I’ve found that an unhappy ending upsets me more than reading romance.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha