I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Thank you for the multiple iMessages to me last Friday. While I was thankful and happy to see them, I didn’t realise until a few days later why you may have sent them. I now think it could have been for last Sunday, which was Bereaved Mothers’ Day. So thank you. I have no doubt that you are out there somewhere, and even right by our sides, constantly watching over us.

Random questions still continue to stump us. I think they will till the end of our time.

A few weeks ago, we went out to dinner at an Indian restaurant. Ammamma, Patta, Tun and I have been there a few times. It is relatively new, so you haven’t been there. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, Shalini joined us too. The waiter has always been super friendly with us. I didn’t expect the question. But as soon as we sat down, he came over and asked me in Tamil who Shalini was. It somehow stumped me, and I stuttered. Before I answered, he asked if she was my friend, and I nodded. Shalini was so sweet and said I should take that as a compliment. Later I thought, had I said she is my son’s girlfriend, there would have been a lot of questions about you. I still haven’t figured out what’s the right thing to have been said.

And then, last weekend, as Shalini mentioned, I went to my hairdresser. Shalini popped in for a couple of minutes to see the place. Soon after she left, my hairdresser came to me and asked, “just now, that one….who?”. I didn’t stumble. I said, “my son’s girlfriend”. Then she said, “wah, your son’s girlfriend – Chinese?”. “Half” I said. “So beautiful”, she said. You must have been beaming. And then came the question about how old you were. My very quick answer was “20”. I missed the “forever” 20.

I don’t really know if there is a “right” way to answer all these questions. I know many will look at us and say different things. Perhaps we are being delusional. Perhaps we are in denial. Perhaps we are not dealing “right” with our grief.

I’ve thought about it over many hours lying awake in bed. I don’t know what’s right. But I know what’s wrong.

What’s wrong is the illness that was given to you when you were just 10 years old. What’s wrong is how much you suffered with it. What’s wrong is how much we watched you suffer and couldn’t help you. What’s wrong is that we got you as much help as possible, but it wasn’t enough.

Most of all, what’s wrong is the end of a 20 year old’s life. One, who without the illness would have had so much promise.

So when there is every possible thing that is “wrong” about this situation, I don’t think we need to think about what is “right”. We have the right to do this wrong, if that is what helps us to survive.

I often ask you Josh, to tell me what you want me to do. And what I hear is always, “you do whatever you want to do Mum. You’re allowed to”.

As I am finishing this write up, I am sitting in a cafe in town. Literally a second ago, the lady next to me interrupted me asking me if I usually work from home. As I restarted my iPad, she saw the picture of Jess and you. And asked me if they were my children. She then asked how old you both are…..

It’s almost like you’re reiterating it to me. “Answer whichever way you want Mum. It’s all right”.

Love you darling,

Mum