I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I almost slapped myself when I woke up this morning! Forgive me. I’ve been having bad sleep and last night was a very late night, it completely slipped my mind to schedule this letter for posting. Your family members have been so kind not to alert me though.

This sleep issue is something I’ve been really struggling with. I can’t get a good night’s rest because of… mosquitoes. For some stupid reason, there are mosquitoes in my room that buzz in my ear and bite me in my sleep. I wake up with more than five bites a day (on average) and two nights ago, I was woken up every hour to swat mosquitoes or scratch a bite. I was so tired my eyes were in pain and I felt like crying – which is quite stupid because of all the things to cry about, I was about to for mosquitoes. It’s the same for this morning. Last night was slightly better – I was so tired from the night before that mosquitoes weren’t going to keep me up. But I was still awoken this morning with the incessant buzzing of a mozzie in my ear. I’m exhausted and only managed a couple hours of sleep. Anyway, thank you for listening to this silly rant about a very silly thing. And yes, I have tried mozzie patches and repellents but none of them are working.

I finished that book about OCD the day after I wrote that post and there was an unexpected plotline. The girl, Samantha (I realized I should have used her name in the previous letter), makes a friend very early on the book and it is only to this friend that she shares her OCD diagnosis with. Her friend, Caroline, was diagnosed with depression and shared that with Samantha, making her feel less alone and comfortable to talk about her OCD. If you recall what I wrote the last time, poetry helps Samantha express her thoughts and it is Caroline who introduces poetry (and subsequently, nice friends who “accept” Samantha’s diagnosis; not that friends need to accept anything like that) to Samantha. Well, it turns out that Caroline passed by suicide 8 years before Samantha met her. Samantha made her up entirely.

I actually guessed this – that Caroline’s made up – early on in the book but thought it’d be a silly plot for a book about OCD because it’s not a symptom. According to Samantha’s therapist, it was concerning behavior of Samantha’s because it is indeed not a common trait of OCD. Samantha’s therapist assures her that she isn’t crazy, and that Caroline was Samantha’s projection of what she wanted to be and wanted her friends to be like. Almost like DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) where one creates an identity to survive extreme trauma or cope with anxiety-inducing situations, Samantha created a person that would comfort her in times of struggle.

Now this does not really relate to you because you did not create identities or speak to people who weren’t there but the entire process of watching Samantha navigate the realization that Caroline isn’t real was interesting. She grieved for her friend who didn’t exist (because while Caroline existed, she did not actually meet Samantha). Readers got to read about Caroline’s struggle with depression until she eventually succumbs. We got to see how Samantha overcomes this mental struggle and certain obsessions with the help of her partner, poetry, family, and friends. At the end of the book, Samantha was so excited to meet her partner that she forgets to park the car with the odometer on three and fights the urge to press the lift button three times. Doesn’t sound like big things, but it’s actually a huge win.

As thankful as I am to read about a happy ending, it makes me wish you got yours, and we got ours. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha