I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

A few days ago I was hoping Day 500 would not be mine. I just didn’t want to see it. But it’s mine afterall!

As you know, I went a little out of my comfort zone recently. Actually, everything feels out of my comfort zone lately.

A mutual friend connected me with another parent who had lost her child the same way I lost you. I am a little further down the journey than she is. Despite offering to meet with her months ago, I didn’t think we would actually meet.

Anyway, after a few weeks of text exchanges, we finally planned to meet last Monday. I was weirdly concerned about it. Like I mentioned to a friend, I wanted to meet with her, but I was also anxious. I was worried I would say the wrong thing. I was worried I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing. I was assured there was nothing either of us could say to each other that would be wrong. Still, I put in a couple of safety nets. I was worried I would be overwhelmed so I planned the dinner a couple of hours before picking up Shalini and then Jess and her friends from the airport, knowing this would cheer me up. I know, I know, a bit too much.

When I left the house that evening, I said to you, “help me out here. I’m scared”.

I learnt there was nothing to be scared of. She was lovely. It was beyond sad that we are both on this journey. It was interesting that some of our coping mechanisms were different. It was comforting that we had a lot of the same thoughts. And it was beautiful that we were able to share stories of the sons we lost too soon. The love we have for someone lost so tragically was so evident.

Despite her being behind me on this journey, I felt in many ways she was ahead. Not that it is a competition. She appeared so brave. We both also seemed to be in the category of people who don’t show much emotion to the outer world.

When I talked to Shalini and Jess later, I said I couldn’t remember how I was at this timeline after you passed. Neither could they. We all agreed that we were all likely still in shock.

The time passed so very quickly. There wasn’t a single minute where there was awkward silence. When I glanced at my phone, I realised I was already late to pick the girls. So we left in a little bit of a hurry. As we hugged each other goodbye, we agreed we would meet again soon.

As I turned to walk to my car and she to hers, she turned around again briefly and called out to me, “Drive Safe”. I smiled and said “you too”. As I walked back to my car, I was grinning from ear to ear.

The next morning, we texted each other. And I told her, “drive safe” were the last words you said to me. I guess you approve of this newly formed relationship, bonded by tragedy, but also by the immense love for our sons.

Thank you darling, for always being there for us.

Love Mum