I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I actually had other things to talk about, but I wanted to praise you for your creativity in our recent game. One of the biggest things I miss about us is playing games with you. Games took up so much of our time, honestly. We could be playing games on your PS4, or silly games in the bus, in class, over video calls… I guess this is what they mean when people say you have date your best friend. I can’t imagine not getting along with you.

We also know you’re amazing at sending us signs. Like your mum wrote about, you painted the sky beautifully for her on Mother’s Day. The sky was also beautiful the day your sister landed. You constantly send us signs we look out for, and when things go smoothly, we attribute our successes to you too. We believe you’re looking out for us all the time and whilst other grievers may not believe the same things, we hold our belief and you prove it with signs. Recently, I was feeling a little playful and wanted to give you a new challenge. I texted you on Telegram – my main concrete mode of communicating with you – and asked you to send me signs in creative ways, in ways that I wouldn’t usually expect.

Usually, you send me angel numbers that I look out for on cars. Sometimes I see the angel numbers on billboards and posters too, but mostly cars. I didn’t specify how you could play this creative-sign-giving game with me. I just let you be you. And of course, you never disappoint. The overachiever you are!

Every time I receive a sign from you, I text you on Telegram to thank you. I personally believe that that allows you to know that I’ve received the signs you’ve sent because I can’t always verbally say “thank you”. Sometimes I smile to myself when I see something that I think you’ve sent, hoping you’re looking at me and feeling proud that I’ve identified it.

The first creative one you gave me was in an advert. It had bubble letters in purple and yellow. Brilliant.

The next ones are your name. For some reason, these past few days I’ve been seeing and hearing your name so frequently – multiple times a day, even. I’ve gotten “Josh” and “Joshua” so many times it makes me giggle. The other day I happened to be watching TV and a new character was introduced to the show – a man named Joshua.

Yesterday I used my grandmother’s bathroom on the first floor – something I almost never do – and I saw an air freshener with the word “Roman” on it. One of the signs I asked you for very early on in this grieving process was the names of “Succession” characters or names of our would-have-been children. Roman is both from the TV show “Succession” and a nickname for our would-have-been son.

Today was my mother’s birthday and we decided to sing karaoke again. Karaoke was on our list of date ideas and for some reason my family has been really into it. That wasn’t the sign though, the sign for me was the room we got. The entire room was purple and yellow. Of all the rooms we could have gotten, that was the one.

Thank you for playing this little game with me. Thank you for still playing games with me, and for constantly giving us signs. Please don’t overwork yourself. I hope you’re finding time for yourself to have your own fun too – maybe touring the world or painting more skies?

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha