I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

As we’ve expected, some things have changed in our grieving process. I think your mum wrote about this a while ago. She thought she’d keep your shoes outside the door – the way you left it – forever, but after a few days felt the need to bring it inside. Likewise, I think some things have changed for me.

For a while after you passed, I hated Tuesdays because you passed on a Tuesday. Every time Tuesday rolled around, I’d be reminded of the events that led up to your passing. It was actually our friend, L, that changed my mindset about this. She said something along the lines of, “Don’t hate Tuesdays, it’s the only day of the week we have the same class.” It served as a reminder of something I had forgotten – that there are good Tuesdays too. I know we’d see each other at the train station on Wednesdays. Therefore, you first spoke to me on a Wednesday. But I was right about us having good Tuesdays too because you know what? The first time I came over to your place was a Tuesday. The first day we got together – after our Developmental Psychology exam – was a Tuesday. There were so many other Tuesdays – good Tuesdays – we had. It is not fair to deem a day bad because something bad happened. Things have changed and I no longer hate Tuesdays.

Because I was in Japan when you passed, and stuck in Japan when your funeral was held, I hated all things associated with Japan. When I got back to Singapore, everything related to Japan was disgusting to me because of the bad memories tied to them. I hated Japanese food, walking into a store that was playing Japanese music, any mention of my Japan trip made me wince. I still don’t like Japan and I likely won’t ever willingly go back, but I still eat Japanese food (and enjoy it), I can purchase items from Daiso, and listen to Japanese music played in stores. Things have changed and I no longer hate everything related to Japan.

There are other things that have changed and some things that haven’t changed. One thing that hasn’t changed is my love for you! You must have expected that. I saw the opportunity to write that and took it! I get a bit shy now to write these things because I’m aware that many, many people are reading these letters, but I still write about my love for you in the private letters I write. I still handwrite letters to you and seal them with a cute sticker. I still see Instagram posts about soulmates and send them to you. I still light a candle every day. I still look at your pictures more than one might guess every single day. Some things have changed, but our love hasn’t.

Another thing that hasn’t changed is my clothes. That sentence didn’t come out the way I thought it would; I do change and wash my clothes… I meant that I still can’t wear some of the clothing items I wore with you. Some that I know I won’t wear again have been placed in my Joshua box (I wrote about this box a while ago). Some that I might wear again but haven’t are still hanging in my wardrobe. I can’t bear to wear them because in a funny way, I don’t want to “erase” the last time I wore them – when I was with you. One of these “can’t be worn” tops is the black cropped one I wore with you to Halloween Horror Nights. Then there’s the white dress I wore for my birthday dinner with you. And the white long-sleeved top I wore to your grandparents’ anniversary lunch – the same top your sister complimented. Some things have changed, but some things haven’t.

There may be a day when these things I write about change. I might decide to wear the white long-sleeved top one day. Maybe when I’ve convinced myself that wearing it again does not “erase” the last time I wore it. Or I might think of that awful Tuesday one of these days and hate Tuesdays again. Whatever happens in the future, I will assume is all part of the grieving process. Whether things change or they don’t, our love won’t (I saw the opportunity and took it again! I’m going to be shy about writing that now!)

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha