I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

As you probably know, Tun has finally gone home to visit her family. This is after more than 3 years. Did you know how upset she would be after you passed? Most of last year, she hardly spoke to her family. A few weeks ago, I told her it was important for her to visit her parents especially, and so she agreed to this trip. I was a bit naughty. I planned it so that Jess would be here (I could not possibly manage the dogs on my own- sorry Jess!).

The last couple of days has been quite different. And has also brought back a lot of reminders of how you and I would manage the household chores.

You never allowed me to take the dogs out on my own. You were afraid I couldn’t manage if Knight went ballistic when he spotted another dog. At the very most, you would allow me to take Cadbury. I think this applied to Jess and Shalini too. Well, 2 nights ago, I took them both out on my own. I was very poor in my coordination. I think you must have been quite afraid too. Overall, Dumb and Dumber were quite well-behaved. “Mum!”, I can hear you say. Lucky for me, Jess is doing most of the chores for the dogs, including feeding them and walking them. Shalini is helping too!

I have been totally spoilt in the last 16 months hardly doing any chores. Now, when I pick up the kitchen sponge, I am reminded of how you would wash the dogs’ bowls so thoroughly. And then dry them completely too. I am reminded more of how you never liked to touch the sponges. Especially when they were a little more used. So you had ordered the kitchen sponge that had a plastic handle. You even ordered several replacement sponges. This solved so many of your problems and washing the dogs’ bowls were no longer an issue for you. Later, you didn’t like touching the kitchen tap handle. It was generally quite clean, but just a little rough from heavy usage. So I looked for a new kitchen tap which had a sensor. It is a lovely matt gold one that you were quite happy with. Alas, the sensor didn’t quite work. But you were ok touching the tap. You used the new tap for less than a few months.

I am reminded of the things we would do together in the house. Despite you not wanting to touch a lot of things, you were so good, especially in the last 2 years before you passed. Helping to keep things clean, and especially when Tun was not around. But we were also quite spoilt with all the help.

As I went to bed last night, I was as usual thinking of you. I was thinking of the many things we did together, trivial as they may seem. I also thought how nice it would be to be able to touch you- your hair, your face. The feeling, thank God, is still quite vivid. So if I close my eyes, I can still imagine it. I hope this feeling of touching you never goes away. When I touched you during your wake, it didn’t feel anything like you, especially your face. I didn’t want to remember that, so I didn’t touch your face again. Only your fingers felt the same, so I kept touching your fingers.

You will be happy to know that the dogs are (slightly) better behaved. They are not barking or going wild when we are ready to take them for their walk. (They probably know Jess and I would just forego the walk if they are naughty). The first night after Tun left, Knight was a bit cheeky with his food and needed some coaxing. Since then, he’s been ok. He probably heard Jess and I talking about it and deciding we would not be “babying” him. I think you will approve of this.

Shalini had a lovely dream about you. But she may want to talk about it. So I won’t.

Thank you for being around us as always.

Love Mum