I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

School started again today and I missed you in class. You’d think that I would have gotten used to going to school alone by now, but I still missed you on the way to school. I would have missed you on the way back too but L came over to your place so we could record the pawdcast, which was a nice distraction from your absence. A brief distraction, actually. Because when we entered your room to do the recording, it was made very clear to me that we wouldn’t be doing this if you were here.

We had interesting discussions in class which reminded me of the discussions we used to have. We’d be in small groups, researching and writing on the boards, and you’d present. You were always fond of presenting in class. I was not – not because I was afraid of public speaking, but because I found it a hassle – so you’d do it for us. We’d usually whisper our thoughts, come to an agreement, and you’d vocalize our shared answer. I don’t think it was annoying for our lecturers. I actually think most of them – if not all of them – enjoyed having us in their classes. All the lecturers who I’ve spoken to after you passed have remembered us in class, so that must be a good sign. The start of every school semester always gives me imposter syndrome. I always think I’m not going to do well, even if the past has said otherwise. Whenever I think like that, I’m reminded of what you would have said to me. I just wish you were here to say it out loud.

I’ve been quieter than usual lately. I think of a lot of things to say in my head but don’t end up saying it out loud, even if I am comfortable with the person I’m talking to. I’m not sure if this is another incoming dip in mood, but I hope it doesn’t last long because it makes me feel tired and like a downer. I want to be actively engaging in conversations and laughing with the person I speak to, but it seems extra difficult to do that lately. I also don’t want to affect anyone’s mood, which is hard when I’m quiet. I hope it’ll get better soon.

Two nights ago, I had one of the worst sleeps in a long time. It took me about three to four hours to fall asleep and I kept waking up in the night. I thought the next day would be better because I was exhausted, but it still took me at least 2 hours to fall asleep and I woke up at least thrice. Truly unsure of the reason (other than the obvious one – grief). Last night, I took a melatonin gummy and still took about an hour to fall asleep. I did have a deep sleep with a very vivid dream though, so that was nice. I felt more rested. I think I might take another gummy later on.

I’m not sure if it’s because the month is ending, or if something is going on with me internally that I’m not aware of yet, but I hope this feeling stops soon. It doesn’t feel like me and it feels uncomfortable. I’m worried this is going to be me now – grieving Shalini – and I’m constantly worried I’m going to lose myself. That would be bad because I am too young to be losing myself.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha