I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Do you remember the foil tree lamp you bought me? I had pointed it out to you and asked for it for my birthday. One of the many, many things I asked you to order for me. It was meant to be part of the decor for my first bedroom at Uni. When it finally came, you and Mum apologised. Instead of an elegant tree where the leaves were lights, a tin foil-covered stick with LEDs arrived on a plastic stand. But it was still lovely.

Lovely enough that it moved to my next house in London, and then my final house in medical school. I did a big clean before we left. And the truth is, I had broken the lamp in the first house. I couldn’t charge it anymore, so instead of being redeemed by pretty warm yellow lights, it was now truly just a foil-covered stick. I still liked it, so I kept it. But this time, I decided not to. It just didn’t make sense. You spoiled me as your sister. The keyboard on my iPad, my vinyl player and AirPods. These are all presents you got me that I use every day.

But even though I thought to myself it was time to throw it out, I kept putting it off. Until I actually forgot about it. I’ve been home for a while now, but my lovely flatmates are dealing with everything that had to be cleared out before we gave the keys back. And someone sent a picture of the tree lamp. Although they just called it a tree, as it had been broken the entire time we lived in this house. I wasn’t on my phone, and it was binned quickly. Which was what I planned to do as well. I just couldn’t get myself to actually do it.

Did you do this on purpose? Because you knew I would have a hard time with it, even though it very much needed to be thrown away? I appreciate you taking the decision away from me. Because every time I think I’ve lost something you gave me, I have a breakdown. If I don’t feel my AirPods in my bag, I panic that I lost the last Christmas present you gave me. I cried when I found my sunglasses after days of travelling, because it was the last thing you bought with me. I nearly had a breakdown on a plane in Denmark when I thought I had lost the rings we bought in Japan. I know you said they aren’t matching, but whatever.

These things will eventually stop working. I will lose some of them inevitably. If you took this decision away from me on purpose, I appreciate it. I didn’t, and I don’t know if I ever would have had the strength to throw away the foil stick.

Love,
Acca