I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

This is my second time writing this letter. I was in the midst of writing this letter and realized I might be repeating points I’d already written about, so I had to scrap the whole writeup. I think I’ll just give you a quick update about my life, though I think you’re watching.

Your family and I have been talking about plans for your birthday this past week. I won’t spoil the plans, but it sounds really nice. I couldn’t help but think about your birthday last year and how much things have changed. I’d like to think that I’ve become a more regulated person now and won’t cry till my eyes look swollen at your birthday this year. We’ll see. There are some heartfelt activities planned (I might have stolen ideas from TikTok) that I think would be nice for the people who love you. Everything we do now is for you, but I also feel like it is for us.

School has been alright. I’m in the last week of data collection for my study. I keep thinking about how much fun you would have had planning your study, collecting data, and writing your thesis. We would have had a lot of brainstorming sessions. I miss those. You won’t be happy with this, but I’ve been procrastinating a little lately. I’m not happy with it either. Let me explain! I’ve been seeing a lot of content about grief on social media lately. It irritates me because some videos make me emotional and I end up struggling to do school assignments after because of all these emotions. These social media videos force me to process my sadness instead of letting me be avoidant. I think the avoidance might actually help with my functioning. I also think I might have passed the time where it’s acceptable to tell myself I can procrastinate because I’m grieving my boyfriend. You’d probably tell me to stop making excuses and get my work done too. I’ll try.

Oh! Something I’ve been quite proud of in these recent weeks is the friendships I have managed to form and maintain! I’ve been talking to my friends more and finding more joy than expected in speaking to people. A large part of this joy must come from how kind my friends are. I think you’d be really happy about this and proud of me. There is a friend who has been wanting to meet me this month but I’ve not felt comfortable enough to do that… Please help me with that!

I’ve been reflecting a lot (you’d also love this) and have been quite critical with myself (you might not love this). I want to be a better person and because of how much time I have alone, I spend a lot of it in my head thinking of ways to better myself. I’m finding new hobbies and new traits or skills I’d like to develop. It’s not always easy, but I can actually feel a change in my mindset and subtle tweaks in my personality.

I’ve also made some progress with grief. I’ve realized that there are no good or bad days the way life is not good or bad. There are both good and bad moments in days filled with grief, and I’ve learnt to accept that I can have good moments and feel complete joy whilst missing you and feeling grief. I can feel happy and sad at the same time, and I am okay with that. Although, I can say this now but there might be days where I can’t see past the sadness and struggle to stay afloat in it. If that happens, it’s okay too. I can always take things one step at a time.

I can’t wait for the day I get to see you again and hear your updates. I wonder what you’re up to. Are you having fun in Heaven? I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha