I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I think I’ve mentioned this before. We read somewhere that grief is often worse in the second year. I never believed it last year. I couldn’t possibly imagine that it could get worse than that. But I kind of believe it now.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’ve forgotten what it was like then. But again, I don’t think I have. I cry every time I think of all the difficult situations we were in last year. And yet, I think the shock and disbelief is perhaps dwindling. And instead, the permanence of this is settling in. Last year it felt like we had to get through various milestones. All our birthdays. Important days like Easter, Mothers’ Day and Christmas. And of course, the worst- NYE. I thought once we got through all of that, life would be easier. I was so foolish. I don’t know what I was waiting for. Now it just feels like I’m waiting for the 2nd year to finish, and then the 3rd, and 4th, and 5th. And I’m not sure how to do this. It all seems totally worthless.

The other thing Jess told me early on from her readings, was that different people would be with us at different times of our grief journey. 

I was thinking about this last night. It feels a little different for me. The people who were closest and most supporting during the first few weeks, have stayed the closest to me even now. I am so thankful for that. Sadly, many relationships have changed. It’s almost like some want to stay away from us. As if death and sadness is contagious. These relationships now feel forever broken. Afterall, if they couldn’t be here for us now, it doesn’t really matter anymore. We have lost far too much already.

It was as if you spoke to me about this knowing I was thinking about this. The next morning on The Compassionate Friends, a mother wrote about this. It was worth reading that broken relationships like these are no fault of theirs. But more importantly, it is no fault of ours.

I think frequently about what you would say to me if you were here. And I think your response would be, “forget it Mum, it’s just not worth it”.

But I can’t figure out your response to the first problem- how to manage this year after year after year. And so, we continue to do what we are already doing. Just surviving you, and honouring you. I hope you are proud of us for doing this.

Love Mum