I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’m writing this post early, which you know is concerning because that means something made me upset. Usually, I try to write my letters the night before it is supposed to go up so I have time to alter it if necessary. Today I’m writing after a relatively triggering day. I hope you were watching from above because I really needed the support.

A few days ago, my brother asked us all to free ourselves for today because his therapist would like to see us. In 2024, he started seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for suicidal thoughts. After you passed, I often thought about how life would look for me if he had passed instead, and I will be honest, I did wish things were different because at least I could have processed his passing with you. I can’t process my sadness with anyone else in life the way I can with you. I know that makes me sound selfish. I don’t actually wish him harm, but if life had to take you or him, I would not want life to choose you. Anyway, this is my life now. The trip to Japan in 2024 was for him, and even then, he was talking about passing by suicide in Japan and my parents were very stressed. Little did they know their other child’s life would be changed instead. When his therapist asked to see everyone, I was fleetingly worried that she would say that he has suicidal thoughts again, but quickly thought that if I could survive losing you, I could probably do anything else.

Anyway, my parents took leave from work and we went to his therapist’s clinic. I hated going there after you passed. Before you passed, I’d frequently accompany my brother to therapy because his therapist thought it was instrumental for him to feel his family’s support. I fondly remember texting you from the waiting room. Going back to the same waiting room and breathing that familiar scent was very triggering for me, so after you passed, I stopped going. I needed to support myself anyway, since I wasn’t getting it from my family. I knew that today would have been upsetting for me, but I had to go anyway, so I tried not to think about it.

Walking from the lift to the clinic was hard. Breathing in the familiar scent of the lobby and waiting room was hard. Sitting and waiting for his therapist to invite us in was hard. Seeing his therapist and sitting in the room was hard. But I was holding everything in pretty well. I was playing games with my dad on his phone. I was talking and even laughing to distract myself. You know what the hardest part was? It was the last 15 minutes of the session. My brother’s therapist finally invited us in and it was not bad news. She’s leaving the country and wanted my brother to share about his progress so far. He is getting a new therapist though.

I had to sit there for 15 minutes and listen to my brother, my family, and his therapist talk about how much progress he has made from 2024 – from having suicidal thoughts, overcoming them, and now doing much better in life. It was awful. They talked about the trips we took as a family, how much fun they were. They talked specifically about Japan and how much fun that was. The whole time, I couldn’t bring myself to look at anyone because I knew it was written all over my face. Japan was not fun for me. Nothing since the end of 2024 was fun for me. I know, there were good moments, but would it have been difficult to not bring up Japan? The trip that costed me my boyfriend’s life?

The whole room was so full of joy. “Yay! We made it out! Those tough two years are gone forever and my brother is all better!” I was bursting to scream, “No, not all of us made it out! I didn’t! My boyfriend didn’t! I’m struggling too! Japan was not fun for me!” I didn’t say anything. His therapist thanked us for being so supportive. My brother could not have made it without a supportive family. But you had a supportive family. Why didn’t you make it?

It was the first time in a while that I felt like crying in public. I didn’t, but I was close to. I know that there are a lot of differences between your situation and my brother’s. I know that a lot was done to save you. A lot of people tried to save you. I know that I can’t make my brother’s “success” about me and rain all over his parade.

It’s been a long day. I hope you were there to support me. I actually think you would have been angry and annoyed for me. I miss you more on days that I realize I only have myself.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha