I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

From the title, you might assume that I’ll be sharing about our adventures in the kitchen. Unfortunately not. Okay, fine, I’ll share briefly. I remember the time we decided to cook together. You wanted to see if you could cook pasta for me after school so this one time was a trial run. I heard you asked T for the recipe and tips before cooking. I thought this was going to be a joint project, but I was quite wrong. You were very much in charge. Don’t worry, I don’t actually have any complaints about being the co-chef because I had no skills nor tips to contribute. Cooking together was a joy for me because all I did was follow three steps behind you and ask if you need anything. It must have been a joy for you too (I hope…) because you could do most of the fun work and leave the boring stuff to me – like passing you a spatula or stirring the sauce (that you already stirred). The rest of our kitchen adventures involved us heating food your family already cooked. That was really fun too! One of us would handle the dogs because we’d eat after walking them, and the other would prepare our food. A taste of life in the future.

Anyway, our adventures wasn’t what I intended to talk about. I recently read a book titled, “Kitchen” by Banana Yoshimoto. It was a really nice piece of literature by a Japanese author. It had been on my list for a few months and I must have forgotten what the premise of the book was because I was surprised by the amount of grief in the narrative. It started out with this girl grieving her grandmother and seeking solace in her kitchen where she shared nice memories with her grandma. She writes that the first night she could actually fall asleep after her grandma passed was on her kitchen floor. The story then continues and she grieves another person who had a big impact in her life. This time, her grief intertwines with her friend’s grief and she found herself juggling her own emotions as well as caring for her friend.

There were lots of layers to this story that I enjoyed mentally unpacking and it was such an interesting read. Comfort can be found anywhere that love has touched. There were a few quotes I highlighted from this book that relate to grief, and I’d like to share them with you.

1.  I had a feeling I wasn’t crying over any one sad thing, but rather for many. If I recall right, she talked about how she couldn’t cry after her grandmother passed and it was a tiny thing that triggered a bucketload of tears. It happens sometimes – people not being able to cry after the loss of a loved one – it didn’t happen for me, I cried plenty immediately after, but I related to the second part of the quote. Sometimes a small thing can really trigger all the bottled-up emotions of grief.
2.  When I lived there I hated that color, but now that I was to leave it I loved it with all my heart. I think this was about the walls of her house where she lived with her grandma. She moved shortly after her grandma passed on. I can’t think of anything I dislike about your room or house that I’ve grown to love, but this quote reminded me of how we often forget to cherish things until they are gone.
3.  Houses always feel like that after someone has died. There is no description for the feeling said in this quote. I don’t think I can describe it either, but those who have lost will know what I mean.
4. I had come to understand that despair does not necessarily result in annihilation, that one can go on as usual in spite of it. Back when I first lost you, I thought I wouldn’t survive it. Truth be told, there are some days even now where I don’t know if I can survive this. I feel like there are so many emotions on top of grief that I am experiencing and will experience, and it can be exhausting. But here I am.

There is another book about grief by Banana Yoshimoto titled “Moonlight Shadow”. This one is about a girl who loses her partner at a young age. I think she’s 20 when he dies. I’ve just started reading it. The first few pages of this book already tugged at my heartstrings because it’s a lot more relatable. We’ll see how that goes.

Hope you’re getting to do a lot of reading as well! Can’t wait to see you and debate with you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha