I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I watched two horror movies yesterday and I loved them both but I got so scared I couldn’t fall asleep last night. You would have laughed at that. I think you would have liked both movies but I’m very biased and I preferred “Obsession” – so I could see you liking that more than “Backrooms”. It reminded me a little of “Hereditary” for its creepy scenes and artistic shots. “Hereditary” was the first horror film we watched together at home and it’s also the first movie you told me about. You said it was your favorite horror movie. We would have psychoanalyzed “Backrooms” – that was a little easier to analyze than “Obsession” – and I could imagine the discussions we would have had.

It is safe to say that horror is our favorite genre. I think we watched more horror than anything else. We watched the horror series “The Haunting of Bly Manor” – your recommendation – and I LOVED it. We wanted to watch “The Haunting of Hill House” too but we didn’t get to do that. I thought of watching it after you passed, but it felt different without you so I stopped. I’ll just have to wait to watch it, like “Succession” and all the other shows and movies we were supposed to watch together.

I’ve always enjoyed horror or thriller movies because I’d watch them with my dad. I mean, I’ll be terrified but happily terrified. To find out that you loved them too was so exciting for me. Except, you’d want to watch them with all the lights in the house off, and you wouldn’t allow me to peak through the tiny gaps between my fingers. I fondly remember sitting beside you, in total darkness, watching some gory or suspenseful scene as you pried my fingers off my face. Again, thoroughly enjoyed it.

OH! The first movie we watched together in cinemas was a horror film too! It was “Long Legs” and even before the movie started I was getting a little jumpy so I asked you to wait outside the bathroom for me because I was afraid to “go alone”. Yes, I made you stand outside the bathroom waiting for me BEFORE the movie started and you very kindly did that – not without making fun of me though.

It only occurred to me this morning that the movies I watched last night were the first horror films I watched in cinemas after you passed. It didn’t click for me that it was a big moment, and that somehow made it easier. Of course, the company I had made it a lot easier too.

I find that doing seemingly big things, things that I didn’t want to do without you, is made easier with good company. After all, it doesn’t make sense that I will never watch another horror film in cinemas, or go to Universal Studios, or drink… ever again. I mean, I could. I could have refrained from everything I wanted to do with you, but it also wouldn’t be a life if I lived like that. I’ve learned that love is not diminished by things such as these, and it is not amplified by me choosing not to live.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha