I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Dr A was always very careful with your need for this and generally kept you away from any type of benzodiazepines or other addictive medications.

A few years ago, Dr A gave us a few of these tablets to keep as standby when we travelled. There was this one instance when we were in London, travelling by tube to meet Anta for lunch The Alchemist at Canary Wharf. The tube was very crowded and noisy. I could see you literally fading. As soon as we got out of the tube, you asked me for a tablet. Jess and I were more worried that you were going to break down. After taking the tablet, you were quiet for a long time, and then eventually felt better.

We didn’t need xanax for a long time after that until just a few weeks before you passed.

In the weeks before you passed, Dr A prescribed Xanax again. Just a few tablets, which I controlled. About a week before you passed, he told me to increase the dose when you needed it because the earlier dose was way too little for a boy your size and age. I can’t remember exactly when you asked for it during the week. But I remember you asking me for it that evening. I also remember asking you if you felt a bit distressed. You said yes, but also brushed it off. It was not an uncommon situation. You followed me to my room when I went to get the Xanax. I think you were looking at where I stored it. After I gave you the tablet, and after you left the room, I was afraid you would try to take the stash I had and overdose. So I moved it somewhere you wouldn’t know. Now I wish I hadn’t. If you had tried that, it wouldn’t have ended your life.

Another weird thing we have realised about your passing is that anything that was remotely difficult before you passed is now much more difficult. Jess seems to hate fruit even more. And my discomfort with flying has worsened. So now, I have the remaining 15 tablets of your xanax to standby when I’m flying. Don’t worry Josh. I’ve only taken it once so far.

Love Mum