I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

My mood isn’t great at the moment. I had a relatively good day that I spent with L, but when I got home, I realized that I have to re-record an assignment we just recorded this afternoon because of minor, silly mistakes that could have been prevented. It’s really bumming me out and I’m feeling so disappointed in myself for not being as thorough with this round’s recordings. I think I might need some time to recharge. I have been quite productive the past few days, accomplishing a number of things on my to-do list, and I might be close to feeling tired. It would be ironic if I experienced academic burnout while writing a paper on academic burnout.

I don’t want to harp on something not positive and bring the mood down, so I’ll write about a new discovery of mine. Recently, during one of my personal reflections, I realized that grief has made me a much better problem-solver. Other than death, or situations that absolutely can’t be helped (like, near-death), any other problem is solvable. Other than issues that concern survival, I’ve adopted a motto that goes, “Life’s not that deep.” It really sounds more carefree than it is, but I mostly feel like any problem I face now is not as big as death.

I think I’ve become a more regulated person and am able to endure uncomfortable situations better than I could in the past. I’m not sure if this is a completely good trait to now have, because it might make me more tolerable of situations I shouldn’t be in, but it is what it is. I’ve adopted a thought process that allows me to worry less about problems that both can and cannot be solved. It goes like this: If a problem can be solved, there is no need to worry because it can be solved. If a problem can’t be solved, there is no need to worry because I can’t solve it – worrying will not help. Sure, this mindset might not apply to all problems, but it could apply to most of the situations I find myself in.

For example, the recording I need to do again. Can the problem be solved? Yes, but it’s a hassle! But do I know how to solve it? Yes, so there is no need to worry or continue being upset. I have the solution and there is nothing in this immediate moment that I can do to contribute to the solution of the problem. I mean, I was bummed out – for about five minutes – until I realized there is nothing I can do about the situation but to record my video again. As soon as I learned that holding on to negative emotions doesn’t help my situation, I let it go.

Grief has changed so much of my perspective and made me a person who is better equipped in handling stressful situations – partly because however bad a situation is, it’ll never be as bad as losing you. I still feel the emotions that come with bad situations, but I think I’ve found ways to regulate my moods better.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha