I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear brother,

Mum was away this week. Meaning that it was the first time since you’ve passed that I was meant to be in the house without you or Mum. Tun and the dogs were here. And yet, within 3 hours, I decided I was going to Ammamma and Patta’s house.

I was in the living room. I don’t think I realised how much Mum’s presence at home calmed me. But I was having dinner, and suddenly, I felt like I could see you. You were in the seat perpendicular to me, with your laptop and your phone (as always). Caddy was probably squashed happily between you and the sofa arm.

And suddenly, it was too much. I had the choice to run to our grandparents’ house, and promptly hid out there till Mum came back. I don’t know what you’d think of this. I did discuss it with my therapist. I had completely forgotten that it was common to ‘hallucinate’ your lost loved one in the grieving process, because it hadn’t happened in such a long time. Maybe because I avoid parts of the house where I used to see you. So I’m basically confined to my room. But being told it was normal helped. And I think you’d understand. I don’t think you would’ve wanted me constantly breaking down while attempting to be in the house.

But I had a choice. I think I was quite blessed compared to a lot of your other close people because very often, when it was too much, I had an out. I could go to Ammamma’s house when it was too much at home, and I could move countries when this entire place reminded me of you. But Mum couldn’t. She could move house, but she chose not to leave the place you loved most. Shalini could have changed university, but she didn’t too. She also could have stopped spending time with the people and places you loved, but she chose not to. Even Tun – at my whim, she packed the dogs and our stuff up so we could go to our grandparents’ house. I asked if it was ok, but did she really have a choice?

I think you had the least choice of all of us. And honestly, it sometimes feels like I have minimal options, so I’m not sure how you did it. Either way, I’m trying to work through it. I don’t want to be anxious or traumatised in the place you loved most. I hope you approve.

Love,
Acca