I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’ve just spent a few days with my high school friends. You would be happy about this. You always liked me spending time with my friends. We’ve known each other since we were 14. Actually, some of us have known each other since we were 6! So often, we would fall into our giggling fits like we were still in high school!

Because of our similar ages, we are all at around the same stages in life- with our careers, with our aging parents, with our kids, and with ourselves. It wasn’t exactly talking about “the meaning of life”, but more about the fact that we’ve crossed the midpoint, and what we want for the remaining years of our lives.

A few of them have sons of different ages. Interestingly, I actually enjoyed hearing about them. The ones closer to your age who keep their communications with their Mums to a minimum. And the littler ones, who dote on their Mums, missing them for the few days we were away. I always thought I would be jealous to hear about others’ sons. But I wasn’t, at all.

In a brief conversation, I mentioned to them how you slept on the mattress on my bedroom floor when I was sick. And they all said you were so sweet.

A few weeks before you passed, I remember a conversation you and I had. You were happy and content with your girlfriend. Jess seemed happy with her life in London. And you were encouraging me to find a partner. We were talking about soulmates, and I clearly recall you saying to me, “for you Mum, your kids are your soulmates”.

I should have reminded you of that conversation more. Perhaps had I done so, you wouldn’t have destroyed one of my soulmates.

Coming back to listening to all the stories about my friends and their sons, perhaps I am not jealous because of the relationship we had, and I guess, still do. Thank you for being a good kid darling, and for being such a sweet, caring son.

Love Mum