I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Yesterday was your favourite Uncle’s birthday. I have not been buying birthday presents for anyone since you passed. But I thought to get something for him. And then I nearly had a meltdown. You would always be the one to decide what to get him. Both of you have similar interests. He would usually get some quirky thing for you and vice versa. So when I went online and stared at the blank screen, I itched to call you and ask you what we should get him. I guess you heard me. When I logged into my Amazon account, within seconds I looked for something “Mario” and found a Mario chess set. Five seconds later, I had made the payment and 3 days later it was delivered to him. It was the fastest purchase I had made. So I only have you to thank for still guiding me. You will also be happy to know that Mama is quite happy with his new “toy”.

Your Aunt’s recent visit to Singapore brought a lot of memories of our last trip to Australia. Remember how our flight was late and we only got into Sydney late evening? You were still so excited and agreed to go with me and your S Mami, Uncle S and little cousin J to the city. Even Jess was too tired to join us. We had ice-cream together and walked around The Rocks and Circular Quay. After awhile, I could tell you were tired but you didn’t want to be rude, so you kept going.

It was a great trip for all of us. You wanted to go to Mama’s house every single day. Even if it meant just sitting around at the table and drawing.

S Mami is very keen for us to come visit them in Sydney. But I have told her there are many reasons why I can’t do this yet. Mainly, it is too hard to do this without you. I think this too will eventually change. But for now, why put ourselves through the added stress and anxiety? She is keen for Shalini to see the place and to spend time with her and your little cousin J.

Maybe at some point. But not now. We were supposed to be in Sydney in December 2024. You even had a minor argument with me a few weeks before you passed that I should have still planned for us to be there. So it will be even harder to do this without you. At the back of my mind, I will always have this massive doubt. Had I gone ahead with that trip to Sydney then, would you still be here with us? I think you would be.

Missing you so much more as your birthday is days away. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams almost everyday.

Love Mum