I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I have conjunctivitis and can’t wear contact lenses for the next few days until it recovers. I had to get glasses made (and I do not look very pleasant in glasses!) because I’ve not worn them in close to a decade. How annoying! I also had a silly dream about you (I say silly because it was bad in a girlfriend sort of way) a few days ago that made me mildly annoyed. I wonder what’s going on. Hope you’re doing better than I am.

You’ve been giving us very special signs lately, mostly to your mum and sister, so I won’t talk about it in case they want to. All I’m saying is, please keep it up! It makes us happy to receive special signs, especially in this very difficult month.

Based on the responses I’ve gotten so far, I think we might have a smaller group of people over for your birthday this year. Quite a few of your friends are busy and can’t make it. I was telling your sister a few days ago that I worry sometimes – about how long we can keep doing these things – and she said something poignant. She said she thought of that too and came to the conclusion that it’s alright if people eventually stop showing up because we will still do these things together. She was right. I know it’ll be sad, especially since I’m quite fond of our friends, but we will still do this and we will still have each other. Some people aren’t as lucky.

I had another thought I shared with your sister, but I haven’t vocalized it to anyone else. You know your friend, J? I’m sure you’re having a nice time with him now, but when he passed, he had a girlfriend too. I’ve been getting the fleeting thought of reaching out to her. I think I wanted a friend who was going through a similar sadness. I had this thought right after you passed, because she’s the only person I know who might relate to my situation, but I didn’t because you told me in 2024 that she has a new boyfriend.

I remember this conversation you and I had. You were talking about J and showed me his social media account. I think I asked about his girlfriend because I saw pictures of her, and you showed me her account and multiple pictures of her new boyfriend. I remember you very maturely saying you’re happy for her because it took her a year to move on. I didn’t say anything, but I actually thought, “How could she?” I wasn’t judging; I was genuinely wondering how she did it. Standing in her old shoes now, I still don’t have the answer.

I dismissed the idea of reaching out to her because of that. She has another life now and my message to her might trigger difficult emotions. She probably keeps J in her mind, but I didn’t see why I should affect her seemingly happy life just to gain some understanding. Besides, there’s probably nothing she can tell me that would make life better, because there is no “better”. I decided that I’ll just wish her the best from here. I imagine that’s what you and J are doing too.

As sad as it is, I selfishly think it is nice that you have a close friend up there. Of course, it would have been way better if you were both happy and on Earth.

Say “hi” to J for me. He seems like a nice guy. Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha