I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

You must be proud of me, and of Jess for making it happen.

A few weeks ago, Jess brought up the idea of going to a Support Group for suicide survivors in London. The timing would work out with when I was going to be there. It peaked my interest, but in all honesty, I didn’t think I would go. I think I was scared. I think I was scared of accepting everything that has happened all over again. And I think I was just afraid of “rocking the boat”.

When the day finally arrived, I contemplated not bringing it up with her. She seemed to have forgotten. But as the morning went, I found myself asking her if we were still planning to go. She was very nice and said we don’t need to if I didn’t want to. I said to her, “I’m anxious, but I’m also curious”. And she said, “let’s go Mum”. If you don’t like it, we can leave, and we can definitely leave at the 1 hour mark.

Was I nervous throughout the day? I’d like to say I wasn’t. But there was definitely an anxious feeling, like going for an exam. But as you know, I again put on my brave face, and very confidently told myself I would be fine. I was just going to listen. I didn’t even pack any tissues. I mean, surely I was not going to cry amongst strangers.

I met Jess at one of the tube stations and we started walking to the place. Jess had not been for a long while too. As we were nearing the place, I looked at one of the shops on the street and it was called “Raven”. I know Raven was some kind of an imaginary character you had some years ago. Surely this was a sign. I guess you were telling me you were proud of me and you were right there with us.

Everything was kind of a novelty for me. As we approached the place, I saw 2 people walking in, and my heart dropped a little. I thought to myself, “they’ve lost someone to suicide too”.

When we sat in the room, there were about 10 people already there. There were several empty chairs. I kept asking Jess what I would need to do. And she told me I would have to introduce myself, and say who I had lost. I was so, so focused on this. I didn’t think it would make me cry. But I was terrified of doing it. When the facilitator finally took her place, she ended up sitting next to Jess. She started speaking and gave a little intro, together with some house rules. All the was going on in my mind was the intro I would soon need to do. And I was more worried she would start with the person on her right, and not the one on her left (Jess). If she started on the right, I would be one of the last to do the intro.

I guess you heard me. She looked at Jess to start. Within seconds, it was time for my intro. I was very brief, introducing my name and that I had lost you a year and a half ago. I was still fine.

And then….I watched and listened as everyone else spoke.

“I’m A and I lost my partner to suicide 3 years ago”

“I’m B and I lost my son to suicide 2 years ago”

“I’m C and I lost my father to suicide 5 months ago”

“I’m D and I lost my husband to suicide 5 months ago”

“I’m E and I lost my mother to suicide 6 months ago”

By the time we got to the 7th person, I was sobbing. Proper uncontrollable sobs, with a runny nose and everything.

It went on and on, through another 38 people. All trying to survive this incomprehensible loss. All now bound by tragedy. As the intro moved from one person to the other, I struggled more and more. How could this be happening to so many people? I had only met one person before in a similar situation. Seeing this many people going through this was so, so overwhelming.

The sobbing went on for a bit. At one point, Jess and I looked at each other for tissues. Neither of us had brought any. Jess eventually had to go to the washroom to get us some paper towels.

The quick end to this story is we stayed for the whole session. And as sad as it was, I’m so, so glad we went. I have a lot more to talk about, which I will save for future posts.

I do hope you are proud of us!

Love Mum