I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I hope you didn’t forget that it’s our second anniversary today. In honor of us turning two, I’d like to share two poems I read recently that I thought were good. Of course, this isn’t how we envisioned our second anniversary going. I’m sure last year we didn’t plan for our anniversary to be the way it was either. It’s a sadder-than-usual day for me today, but you gave me lots of signs yesterday so I think that’s your way of telling me you’re still here. I’ve bought gifts for you, but they’ve not arrived because I was late in ordering them this year. Totally my fault, sorry about that… It’s been super busy and truth be told, I spent a long time searching for a gift. I wanted to stick to our Lego theme but also give you something that’s sentimental. I quite like the gift. I hope it turns out well. I think you might like it too.

I can’t recall who wrote the first poem because I took a screenshot of it and the poet’s name was cut off. I couldn’t find it again with Google either. I actually saved this poem a while ago but didn’t manage to find a space to fit it in the posts I’ve written so far. Two poems for two years sound pretty okay, right? This is the first one, titled, “No Heroes”:

“Another casualty to suicide
and no one knows what to
say so
they say: ‘He struggled.’
As if that sums up a whole life.
And people nod as if
they now know who he was.
But no one says: He lived. He loved.
He fought. He tried.
He battled his own f-ing mind.
He looked death and devil in the eye
over and over again
and survived.
But death doesn’t make heroes in this war
and no one knows what to say so…
we all keep struggling.”

The second poem is a little more hopeful, I think. Okay, maybe not. I won’t set that expectation only to disappoint… Again, I don’t know the poet who wrote this, but this one is my favorite among the two. It makes me feel like no matter what, you’ll always be with me and I’ll always have you. This one is called, “Strands”:

“Perhaps
if I wear your death
like a coat,
your head resting
gently
on my shoulder,
my breath enough
for us both,
your hair will
intertwine
with mine
strand by strand,
lock by lock.
The sight of me
wearing you
will be so normal
to everyone’s glances
that no one will wonder
if there’s one of us
or two.
But as you grow heavier
and I become weak,
you may start to fall off
just a bit;
two faces distinct
though side by side.
And when you finally slip
to the ground
and crumple
at my feet
like a shadow,
then perhaps,
if I step into the light,
it will just be this new me
without any you,
except for the strands of my hair
in yours
and yours in mine.”

like a coat,

The second poem felt a little more romantic and fitting for today. I won’t say more because everything I want to say, you know. I miss you very much and I wish these weren’t the circumstances.

Happy 2^nd Anniversary, Joshua. I guess we kind of made it, huh? Can’t wait to see you again. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and I’ll miss you more than you can imagine.

Love always,
Sha