I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

There is so much from the support group I need to remember. A part of me wishes I had written everything down when I came back. Jess and I even tried to work out if we could go the next time I’m here, but the timing won’t work out.

Other than the introduction, I didn’t speak. Instead, I listened intensely to what everyone else was saying. There were some who were very recently bereaved, as recent as 3 weeks. I don’t know how they did it. As the facilitator said repeatedly, walking through the door was already a great feat, and for that, we should all be proud of ourselves.

One of those who was about 6 months into this said this one of the first times he was able to speak without crying. And so, he did feel like the pain had lessened somewhat. In the same topic, another lady who was just 3 years into this, said it felt like a pendulum. It was kind of like the “ball in the box” theory that Shalini introduced me to. This grief is like a pendulum. At the start, it swings vigorously, steady and intense. In time, she said the pendulum has somewhat slowed down. It still swings, but it’s slower, and milder. I guess to add on to that, every now and then, a trigger comes along, and the pendulum goes back to its intensity, but just for a short while.

Many also said that there will be several times when we will feel like we are drowning. The important thing to remember is that it won’t always be so intense, and we need to remind ourselves that we will resurface.

Interestingly, this was similar to a conversation we both had. I constantly tried to tell you the severe low moods will pass, and you had to look beyond it. I guess it wasn’t as simple for you. I should have known.

Despite being a long way away from home, I feel close to you in London. Maybe because I’m alone a lot of the time, it feels like you are with me a lot, keeping me company. Perhaps this is how you finally enjoy London.

Love Mum