I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

It feels like time is passing faster and faster. I blinked and we’re more than halfway done with 2026. I’m listening to people talk about their plans in 2027 and it feels unreal. I was thinking about the recent years that have gone by and it feels like I’ve done so much and yet nothing at all. Lately I’ve been thinking about 2025 a lot. I try not to because it’s often a terrible thought, and I found that I can’t really recall what I did in 2025, but I remember a lot about how I felt.

I remember the scream that came out of me. I remember the days of crying all the time and doing things just to get my mind off the tragedy. I think about how everything used to feel so, so difficult. Not that everything I do is now easy-peasy, but it’s definitely a lot less challenging. Thinking back, I truly don’t know how I made it past those days. I feel sad these days, but I don’t often feel that numbness. I’m not sure if I’ve just learned to regulate a lot better, but I sometimes think that if I were to go back to 2025, I probably wouldn’t be able to do it.

In tough times now, where I think, “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this.” I think about 2025 and feel like I can. “This sucks but at least it’s not that,” is kind of another motto of mine. Everything can suck but it will never suck as bad as losing you – so I’ll probably get through whatever sucky thing this is. The good part of this is, I am now living life a bit more intentionally. I put in more effort to think and reflect and appreciate the beauty of life. I read that a lot of grievers notice they start to do that too after losing a loved one. It might be the only way to “heal”.

I also read that people who are struggling write down every hard thing they’ve gotten through  and on days where they can’t find a way to get out of their struggle, they look back on that list and realize that they’ve managed to push past every hard day they thought they couldn’t. I thought of doing that – creating such a list – but I also didn’t feel ready to go down the memory lane of hard things I managed to survive. Maybe someday.

I’ve learned so much this year. I think I’ll reflect on it and share my thoughts with you towards the end of the year, but I genuinely feel like you’d be really happy with my mental progress this year. I feel like I’m in a good headspace. Maybe that’s why I’m not as poetic as I was last year (haha).

This is one of those letters that’s all over the place. Sorry about that. I miss you very much and I think on some days I can’t generate a singular, coherent thought so it’s a bunch of mini thoughts instead. “I still miss you very much” is a thought that doesn’t change though.  

I can’t wait to see you again. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and I’ll miss you more than you can imagine.

Love always,
Sha