I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

There was a post I saw on Facebook recently from a parent who had lost her child. It caught my attention, surprise, surprise.

She said something I didn’t think about. She talked about how she feared forgetting things about her child. I guess it’s a fear we all have. Initially I thought there was no way I would forget anything about you. As time has passed, I frequently have panic attacks when I think of something and I can’t remember the details. I usually comfort myself by telling myself I will check with Shalini or Jess.

To clarify though, this parent did not quite talk about worrying about forgetting things. She was worried that she would not remember that she had forgotten some things. Like she would not remember that a particular memory would be the last time she remembered it. What an interesting phenomenon. And how true. And how sad.

It was a brand new feeling of the heavy weight and sinking feeling. I can’t imagine so much of it. But it is yet another reality we will need to face.

I am back into my routine of packing my days to the point of being completely exhausted. Reading Shalini’s post yesterday about BPD made me think that I am also suffering from some form of it. “Come on Mum”, I can hear you say. Yes, yes, that would be an injustice to you. I guess grief can also impart some of these symptoms in people.

Love you darling,

Mum