I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Lately I’ve been thinking of how much of a comfort and support you were to me, especially when you were feeling well.

There was this one situation with Dad. I was upset about it, but was more worried how you and Jess were going to take the news. I couldn’t even think of how upset I should be because I was worried about both of you.

The night I found out, Jess came into my room and asked what was going on with Dad. I had to pretend I didn’t know what she was talking about because you were next to me about to sleep. When you got up briefly to go to the bathroom, I ran out and told her. I feel so bad about that now. She didn’t even have time to process it with me because I had to get back to the room before you came back in. The poor girl had to sit with her thoughts alone.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. The next morning though, Ammamma spoke to me on the phone and advised me to tell you. And that you would be more upset if I had withheld the information from you.

I remember it clearly. I had just come up from the gym, and I went into your room. The approach was the same I took with Jess. I tried my best to trivialise it and make it almost a joke. But I was far more worried with you. I remember sitting with you on the edge of your bed as I told you. And I remember more, your reaction. You just looked at me quietly, and then said, “I’m sorry Mum”, and then you hugged me tightly. It was not the response I was expecting at all.

What I would give to be able to get that hug and comfort from you now. I guess you give it to us in many other ways, and this will have to do for now.

Love you darling,

Mum