I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear brother,

Apologies this is late. I worked my first weekend shift! I think you would’ve been proud of me for it. Work is intense and long, but I love it. I think you would have understood that.

I saw one of my best friends from Singapore, who’s now living in London, yesterday. The others in that group found out you had passed at a club on NYE that I was meant to be at. They had all texted me, but I couldn’t bring myself to reply. I eventually told one of them what happened, which I knew was unfair at the time, but I couldn’t help myself. This particular friend started crying at the club, which is how the others realised something was very wrong.

She was one of the first people at our house after you passed. Her entire family came to the funeral, and her younger brother, who was the same age as you, came to the crematorium. I still remember seeing my friend in the line. She was the first in the group of my best friends that I had to hug as we were placing our last flowers with you. It still makes me break down thinking about it. I had hugged a lot of people on your behalf at that point, but I couldn’t hide from my own devastation when I saw her and my other friends. They had the same expression on as me.

She asked me yesterday if I liked talking about you. I said it was one of my favourite things to do, and frankly has gotten trickier as I’ve started working. I’m surrounded by new people, and every time I bring you up, I worry someone will ask what you’re up to now. She said she thinks about you lots. She even once dreamt about you but didn’t tell me for fear it would upset me.

It’s also the reason she talks to her younger brother every day now, despite living in different countries. Some part of me wanted to be envious that she could talk to her brother whenever she wanted, but I couldn’t. I’m genuinely glad she can have that. It was one of the biggest blessings in my life to have that with you.

She said we were some of the strongest people she knows. I get why she would think that. Everyone thinks they wouldn’t be able to get through something like this. But even though we go to work and Uni and don’t cry in public (that much), we still think about you all the time. She said that she thinks about you loads, so she can’t imagine how much I do. She also said that while it’s awful for everyone else, it is something that we have to deal with constantly while everyone else’s lives goes on. I think that’s what she meant by strong. And honestly, it was validating to hear someone acknowledge that we will always still be going through it.

I hope you know how strong we know you are. You got through more than we did. We know that know.

Love you,
Jess