I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Your mum’s post yesterday was so sweet. I read it just before heading to bed and ended up not being able to fall asleep because I was up thinking about how lucky I am that my boyfriend’s family is so sweet and kind. It makes me shy to say this but I truly don’t think many girlfriends are lucky enough to have their boyfriend’s family piece puzzles with them, ensure that every dinner table has at least one of their favorite foods, include them in family activities… We would have preferred if the circumstances that allowed us to become this close were avoided, but all things considered, I am lucky to have them. Thank you for giving me a second family, with members I’ve never had too (grandpa + sister!).

I came across some children’s books about grief recently and wanted to write a post about one of the books. I find that children’s books can be quite poetic and enjoyable for adults too, but that idea didn’t work out for me today because I couldn’t find any online versions of the book I wanted to write about. Today’s post will just be some of my messy thoughts again, sorry about that!

I was discussing the future with L the other day. The topic has been on my mind but I didn’t know how panicked I should be about it. Our honors year is coming to an end and I am (miraculously) almost done with my thesis. It’s crazy how time flies! Just a few months ago I was unsure of how to begin writing, and now I’ve got about 60 pages worth of content. I genuinely enjoy school. I think part of my enjoyment comes from being in my comfort zone. I think I’m pretty good at school, which makes it doubly fun, and stepping out into the “real” world – onto unfamiliar territory – is worrying me a teeny bit.

I’m not usually a nervous person. I don’t feel anxious speaking to new people and I don’t take very long to adapt to unfamiliar settings. But I do wish I could keep studying. I do wish I didn’t have to think about where I’d like to do my Master’s, or where I will work in the future. I wish I could just be planted somewhere without needing to apply and face potential rejection.

I think that’s where my bit of fear comes from – what if I get rejected everywhere? What if I can’t find a job, or I can’t do my Master’s, or I can’t be a psychologist, or get my PhD…? I have a ton of back up plans, discussed with L and prepared in my head, in case nothing works out. But I really hate the thought of something not working out. I often wonder what you would say if you were here. Would I still be fearful that I’d go nowhere or would the thought of facing potential rejection be less scary with your comfort and presence? Would I be more worried that I’d amount to nothing because I know you wouldn’t? Would our competitiveness – what once fueled our love for studying – work against our relationship? Gosh, I’d hope not.

I can’t imagine life being bad with you here. You’d find a way to make things work. I hope you’re still helping me out like that from where you are. I have to amount to something for the both of us. Let’s hope I amount to something, okay? I’m trying.

Can’t wait to see you again. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and I’ll miss you more than you can imagine.

Love always,
Sha