I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

In recent months, I’ve realised I enjoy seeing patients so much more than my management/ administration work.

Last Saturday, I saw one of my recently regular patients. As we were trying to coordinate his next appointment, I mentioned I would be on leave in October. He asked me if I was going on holiday. And I said it’s kind of a bit of both. It’s my daughter’s graduation in London and a little bit of a holiday too. He then said, “you must love your daughter very much”. He then went on to say, “but clearly not as much as your son”, as his eyes diverted to your picture on my table.

I’m not sure how I had the strength or the calmness to reply. But I said, “Actually, my son is in heaven”. As expected he was shocked, and then said, “oh no, what happened to him”.

Again a miraculously calm answer. “He had some mental health issues and we lost him to suicide”.

Then his answer, “it very nearly happened to me when I was 18. But I somehow managed to get through it”. And then, the conversation steered to his problems then and his life now.

Naturally, I had the thought of why this couldn’t have been you, but I brushed it aside.

To conclude, I think, for that day anyway, I had reached a new level of acceptance. The fact that I said this, without tearing, and without the usual hesitation and quiver in my voice- I think you would be quite proud of me.

After my patient left my room, I looked at your picture for a few seconds. I truly felt like you were right there with me. So thank you.

Love Mum