I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Shalini, Tun and I walked the dogs at the beach a couple of days ago. It was lovely to do it after such a long time, and of course, so nice to catch up with Shalini on all her stories and mine.

Later that night, after having dinner with everyone, I was alone in the house for a short while. I went into your room and felt the deep ache of missing you. I stupidly searched on your bed if I could possibly find a single strand of your hair. Alas, I could not. The sadness was even deeper. But as usual I told myself the feeling will pass.

Minutes later, as I glanced at your picture, the wave of sadness came over me again. I said to you, “I need something Josh”, expecting possibly an iMessage from you.

Instead, you literally spent the whole night with me in my dreams.

The first part of the dream was the both of us going for a movie late at night. Somehow we were driving around, and Knight was with us. We were going to do a quick stop at a shop so we put him in the car. At the shop I got some popcorn and you got some kind of crackers. I remember looking at you and feeling happy that you were getting some snacks too. In the middle of the movie, I suddenly remembered we locked Knight up in the car. So I told you to keep watching the movie and I stepped out to get Knight.

I woke up then. It was about 3am. And realised I was dreaming of you.

When I managed to fall asleep again, it was a slightly different dream. Shalini, Lynn, Jess, you and I were in Australia. We were driving around. At some point, I vaguely recall you writing a letter to Shalini. And you were reading it to her. We were all crying. In the dream, somehow you had died already, but you were also back. The letter said something along the lines of you would be dying again. And hence, all of us were crying. I kept trying to console everyone- it will be different this time. We will make sure that does not happen. But no one seemed to believe me.

As I’m writing this, I see how sad it all sounds. But even though we were all crying, you included, the dream was not actually sad. It really felt like you were spending the whole night with me. And for this, I woke up happy, and super grateful to you. It happened just as I needed it.

Love Mum