I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

The days approaching 31st August were difficult, like they always are towards the end of the month. More so because we hit 20 months. Usually, the day itself is not as hard as we expect it to be. This time I was wrong.

I tried to be calm as I left the house. But within minutes, I was distraught. Throughout the day there were meetings. I deteriorated to the way I was the first few weeks after you passed, my eyes constantly tearing during the meetings and me pretending it was allergies or dust. Helps that the clinic is moving and there is actually a lot of dust!

In the evening, I went on my own to the church where we usually light your candles. It is something we usually do as a group, so I normally light just a few. This time I wanted to be on my own. As I started lighting them, I started to say something to you. 

For the first candle…..I love you. For the second candle….I miss you.

And then I thought, let me say something to you for every candle I light. And so…..

#1 I love you

#2 I miss you

#3 I miss seeing you heat up your brownies in the microwave

#4 I miss seeing you standing at the stove toasting your wraps

#5 I miss seeing you in your bed asleep

#6 I miss seeing you sitting at your desk doing work on your computer

#7 I miss watching movies and TV series with you

#8 I miss you sitting on the couch doing your own thing while I watch my shows

#9 I miss you lying on my bed on your tummy and talking about random things

#10 I miss you asking me how you look in some new clothes, and then reverting to Jess

#11 I miss going to your room and asking you how I looked in a new dress

#12 I miss seeing you leash up the dogs to take them down

#13 I miss seeing you walk around the condo with the dogs

#14 I miss seeing you work out at the gym

#15 I miss asking you for help when I’m worried about Jess

#16 I miss doing jigsaws with you

#17 I miss hearing about your day at Uni

#18 I miss you playing the piano

#19 I miss you on the keyboard

#20 I miss your singing

#21 I miss you saying “vamanos” when you’re calling the dogs to your room

#22 I miss calling you to join me for the short car drive when I’m dropping off the grandparents

#23 I miss seeing you and Shalini walking home

#24 I miss you telling me your plans with Shalini

#25 I miss you discussing what meals we should prepare for Shalini

#26 I miss you telling Jess how she looks

#27 I miss you telling me to go out and have fun with my friends

#28 I miss telling you about my problems at work

#29 I miss getting your usually, very mature advice on how to handle situations at work

#30 I miss you telling me to eat healthily

#31 I miss you telling me to change the way I dress

#32 I miss talking about your plans with your studies and career

#33 I miss asking you to come out and say hi when someone comes home to visit

#34 I miss asking you to help me when I need to find something online

#35 I miss ordering your contact lenses

#36 I miss hearing you excitedly talk about the next WWE matches

#37 I miss seeing packages arriving for you

#38 I miss you solving many of my problems

#39 I miss your support

39 candles. It was not hard to think of any of this. It was also quite therapeutic.

As I drove out, Jess called me. So it felt like she was with me too.

There is a theory that those in heaven don’t miss their loved ones because that is just not a feeling in heaven. Or because time moves differently, so as they think of their loved ones, we are literally there in a few seconds. I don’t believe you don’t miss us though. And I wish it felt like seconds for us till we see you again.

Love Mum