I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I would like to preface this post by repeating what I wrote in the last post. I will never say or think that what happened – losing you – was a good thing, because it was far, far, far from that. It was awful, and we will carry the heavy sadness of missing you for the rest of our lives.

I actually hate the word “but”. I hate it, but I use it a lot. Evidently. In certain situations, it sucks. “I love you, but…” Or “You achieved a good grade, but it’s not counted…” “But” is mostly a terrible word often associated with sadness. A good thing, then “but”. After grief, however, I’ve found that “but” can actually be quite positive. “This sucks, but…” Thankfully, no one has ever told me, “You lost him, but…” Because I would have punched them. Thankfully for them that no one has said anything like that.

But, like I said, “but” has become quite the silver lining for me. Today I’d like to present my “buts” in this awful situation. I lost you…

1. But I have gotten so close to your family that we hang out around three times a week.
2. But I have made new friends from the people who love you.
3. But I have found so much love in my old friends who have stood the test of time and helped me through my grief.
4. But I have had new life experiences that were different from what we would have had, but different isn’t bad.
5. But I have a better relationship with my family… finally.
6. But I have new hobbies and learnt new things I would not have even attempted.
7. But I have laughed with people I didn’t think I’d laugh with. I have cried with people I didn’t think I’d cry with.
8. But I have met and formed relationships with people who I love so much I’d like to keep them forever.
9. But I have reflected so much and so introspectively. I have grown as person through the sadness I have had to carry.

There are more, but you get the gist. The sad thing is, none of these things would have happened otherwise. One could argue that they could have happened, but I don’t think so. Realistically, I don’t think so. I would not have been as close to my friends as I am now because I wouldn’t have seen the need to. I would not have had the chance to build the relationships I have now. I would not have wanted new hobbies, wanted to learn new things, found ways to fill my time because there just wouldn’t have been a need to. Sure, some things might have happened eventually, like getting close to your family, but it would have been different. It might have been better; or it might have been worse. I don’t know how life would have turned out, but considering everything that has happened, I am quite content with the “buts” I have.

Knowing you, you’d make lame jokes out of some of the sentences I have written. I can hear them already. Can’t wait to see you again. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and I’ll miss you more than you can imagine.

Love always,
Sha