I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

The last few nights, I have again been imagining you doing different things as I go to bed. Somehow helps me fall asleep at least a little better.

One of these days, I had been talking to Shalini about her reading. She has more time to read now because she’s finished her thesis. I was telling her I wish I could go to a nice beachside resort and read for a few days.

So not unexpectedly, when I went to bed that night, I imagined you reading. For some reason, I imagined you lying on a high branch of a big, beautiful tree, your back against the trunk, and a book in your hands. And then this conversation, half-dreamily.

You: Why am I on a tree Mum?

Me: I thought you look happy and peaceful on the tree.

You: Okay Mum

Me: I was so careless Josh. If only I had watched you more closely. This could have all been   prevented.

You: And then what Mum?

Me: Maybe I could have kept you at least for another 10 years? Until you were 30?

You: It would have taken a whole lot more from you Mum.

Me: Maybe

You: Go live your life Mum

When I woke up the next morning, I thought of this. I wish it was that easy. “Go live your life”.

But I hope you are somehow living the life you should have had.

Love Mum