I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I have very little “serious business” to do these days. I’m done with my thesis and basically, school (for now) so I’ve been doing nothing “serious” for the past couple of days. I’m reading and engaging in my hobbies like I said I was so excited to do. It’s always like that, isn’t it? When you’re busy you get excited to relax and when you’re relaxing you miss being busy. I’m not sure if it’s because I have more time to myself now, but I found myself writing to you a lot more. And thinking of you. And feeling sad. I guess school was a bigger distraction than I thought.

I was so full of words to write that I had actually written all my posts this week last week. So my posts are no longer (for now) chronologically corresponding to my emotions. I’ll still write as if it is, I’m just giving you a heads up if it gets confusing. I actually wrote this post on two separate days too, so at some points when I mean “today” i could be referring to Tuesday or Sunday or Wednesday…

Anyway, I was weirdly emotionally drained yesterday. I felt better hanging around your family, as usual, but I still felt tired and sad when I got home. I was more drained than I thought I would be and for some reason I thought your sister was the only person who would understand what I meant or why I felt this way. I got home and wanted to talk to someone but I didn’t exactly feel like bothering anyone either so I ended up keeping to myself.

I find that I’ve been easily emotionally drained of late. I used to be able to hang out with people I’m not super close to and fake a laugh whenever socially necessary. Now I find these things especially draining. I actually cancelled dinner with some friends tonight because of this feeling.

I wrote you a letter last night. I wrote you physical letters a lot more last year. There was no particular reason why the physical letters decreased, but I find that writing to you helps me feel better. Lately I often use it as a last ditch effort to lift my mood. I wrote you this letter that ended up being longer than expected. It was kind of messy too; didn’t stick with a specific theme because there was no actual issue to explain my sadness. I was right though, I felt slightly better after writing it.

A friend tried to talk to me last night but I didn’t continue the conversation even though I wanted to. I couldn’t explain why I was feeling this way but I have identified the point when I felt emotionally drained. No specific reason, it just happened. You know what I felt like? Or rather, still feel like? I feel like lying down and staring at the ceiling. That’s how my sadness feels sometimes. I don’t feel like moving, crying, or doing anything – just lying down and staring at the ceiling.

I have so much to tell you. It’ll take up the next few posts. This is all the updates for now. Good night, Josh.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha