I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I was out with some friends last week – N and C. After dinner, we were walking around and decided to browse this cute shop with small things like blindboxes and stickers. I half-jokingly said that I’ve been curious about this children’s toy called a “NeeDoh”. It’s basically a squishy thing you can fidget with and it’s more of a sensory object than a toy. As we were walking around the store, we saw a shelf full of “NeeDohs”. It was stupidly expensive. Like, one of these was going for $30! I would not have bought it if I was on my own, but we saw a pack of 4 mini “NeeDohs” for $25. It made sense to us because we could share the cost and we didn’t really need a full-sized “NeeDoh” anyway. Okay, we don’t actually need this thing, it was mostly curiosity and whimsy that led us to this.

So, the three of us held onto this pack of 4. We were still on the fence because it was three of us and 4 of this. When it was time for us to make the decision, I said, “Let’s just get it. C can give the fourth one to her boyfriend.” N then said, “Oh yeah, good point! You’re the only one (out of us three) with one.” Right after the words left her mouth, she seemed to have noticed its implications and looked at me with apologetic eyes. When she said it, I will admit that I felt a pang of sadness, but I can’t blame her. It is technically true. What was I going to do? Ask for the fourth one and put it on your table? It made sense for C’s boyfriend to have the extra.

After she said that line, I did what I thought was the kind thing to do and gave her a small smile to signify that I acknowledge her silent apology and regret, and we carried on without addressing anything (not that we had to). She didn’t apologize – she didn’t have to and I didn’t want to make her feel like she should have – I could tell she was apologetic so it was fine. These things happen and will keep happening.

To be completely honest, on some days I don’t even know what to label my relationship status. Am I single? Am I attached? There is no word like “widowed” for someone who has lost a partner they didn’t marry, is there? It feels unfair that there isn’t one. I don’t want to say that I am single because you are in my heart, but saying that I’m attached sounds exceptionally sad, like I might have prolonged grief disorder or an inaccurate grip of reality. Not that I’m putting myself in situations where my relationship status matters, but I think of myself as “unavailable”. Seems like the most appropriate word to use without discrediting you and painting myself as “unwell”.

Oh also, after we bought the mini “NeeDohs”, N asked us what color we wanted (there was pink, blue, and purple) and I quickly asked for the purple one. It’s a completely pointless object but I think you would have been quite into it. It’s nice to fidget with when reading or having conversations. I could see you playing with it while studying. If you were physically here, I would have gotten the purple one for you and the pink one for me.

Do you have these “NeeDohs” in Heaven? If you do, go grab one because it really is quite stupidly fun. Oh, get a purple one too so we can match! Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha