I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I was talking to your Aunt last night. She was asking me to come to Sydney soon. We got talking about our last trip there and the one before. She had been looking at pictures of all of us at the arcade, playing the various games. It was always something you looked forward to, especially the claw machine. I think even just a few days before you passed, we were both at the mall and you were contemplating trying the claw machines there, but didn’t eventually.

And then, last night, you came to me in my dreams. Lately, your age has been about 9-10 years. Your little cousin J was playing in the arcade intensely. And then you walked in with me. I wanted to tell little J that his cousin Joshua was going to join him to play. But there were other relatives around, and they told me little J was going to get confused. So I gently tapped him on his shoulder so he would turn around to look at both of us. I had my hand cupped around your face and asked little J if you could join him in playing the game. I also cautiously and apprehensively told little J, “You must remember, Josh is not here anymore. You can see him now and play with him because this is a dream. Always remember this is a dream ok?”. Little J nodded and you happily joined him in the game.

If only. But we won’t go down that path today.

I hope you are still getting to play arcade games, and your success rate with the claw machines is considerably better. I used to get so anxious when you would ask me to stand on the side of the machine to tell you when to stop. Who is helping you now darling? I guess you’re saying, “you were not that much of a help anyway Mum”. Fair.

Missing you always.

Love Mum