I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear brother,

I had a really bad weekend at work. I was on a much busier ward than normal, and honestly I struggled. I made a million mistakes, pissed off my seniors and for the first time since becoming a doctor, wondered if I was really cut out for this. I’m still not sure, it was rough. I don’t know if the things that make me bad at my job are fixable.

I really want to call you. I want to whatsapp call you twice, because your phone is always on do not disturb. I want to see you sitting half-clothed like a weirdo, lit up weirdly by the computer light. Normally I can see you flicking through your desktop while we’re talking cuz it’s reflected in your glasses. You’d swivel your chair constantly.

You’d say “what’s up? is something wrong?”
“No, just had a bad day at work.” You’d perk up and sit straight once you realised I needed something.
“Why Jess? What happened?”
“Fucked up so badly at work today. I’m not sure I can do this.”

And you’d dissect it with me. You’d let me cry first, and then go through what I did wrong and how fixable they were. And you’d tell me not to be so hard on myself for my first shift on a difficult ward. You’d say at least I still went for the second day of the bad shift even after struggling on the first. And that no one died, so it couldn’t have been that bad. And I would still cry. So you’d say to just order some food and go to sleep. And just look after myself for now. Our chats were normally less than 10 minutes, but you’d it this on go on. You’d realise I needed it.

You still send people to say these things to me. Mum had to be very patient with me on the phone yesterday. She knew I couldn’t talk about it in the morning cuz I was so scared of having to do the shift again. So she let me cry about it in the evening, when it was all over. And encouraged me the way you would, and pacified me the way you would as well. The only friend I truly compare to you reassured me that no one died, like you did. I think I must have sounded quite upset, cuz rarely does he take these things seriously. And my two friends who I saw for dinner after sat with me and told me about all the times they had cried during work, and how to make sure these mistakes don’t happen again.

It’s the first time in a while I’ve been so upset about something. Not having you here compounds it. Even in my dreams last night, I knew you weren’t here. We all worked so hard to get me into medical school. It was seriously a whole family effort. It absolutely sucks that you’re not here for the after med school part. I know that you are sending people my way to make up for it. I know.

Also, all my notes are signed Dr Glenn, so really these mistakes could be by you or Mum. LOL.

Love you and miss you so much dude,
Jess